You Know What Really Sucks?

This past weekend the bf and I drove up to visit my cousin (the one who has an older daughter from her first marriage, and 2 kids with her current husband) because I missed the kiddos so much. I took so many cute photos and videos but didn’t even want to run the risk of “upsetting” my parents again by sending them photos because they’ll for sure ask how long I went for, how I got there, and who with. (I normally go for a whole weekend, but this time we just visited for the day.) So they really just missed out on my nieces and nephew’s adorable-ness, and I love those kiddos so much that I wish I could share it with them.

As an side note, I took the cutest video of the bf reading to my littlest niece (and my favorite – shh) when she had just woken from a nap. It melted my heart to see her sitting on his lap (she generally doesn’t really like grown men – she barely even lets her grandpa hold her, and never gave my sister’s bf a hug on her birthday until they were leaving) and having him read to her and her responding, albeit super quietly and shyly. She is so adorable! And seeing him with her was adorable. I can’t wait to see him with our own babies.

The night before we went up we were also talking, and he was saying how it is such a big turn on for him to see how much I love the kids in the my life, and how he thinks I’ll make a great mother. It’s the first time he’s really told me that outright, so I really cherished that!

I was also recently thinking that it would be really nice and neat and tidy if I were able to meet his daughter before I go home for Thanksgiving, but there currently aren’t any plans for that to happen (STILL!). He’s going to visit this weekend so hopefully he has a real talk with the ex-wife and can make actual plans. This is just dragging out and I want it to happen, and especially before Thanksgiving because I know my parents will ask me if I’ve met her yet and it will look bad on his part for me to say no.

I know that isn’t a good reason for me to meet them, but it will just make my life easier when I have to deal with their questions. haha (Totally selfish I know, but I can’t help thinking it!) I’m kind of dreading being home especially since my sister won’t be with me – but at least I’ll have the dog to comfort me. Ugh. We are talking here and there, but not that much and I only facetimed them once since they left for my grandma’s birthday.

Well, I guess we’ll see what happens…

Off Topic, but Important: On Abortion #askyourmother

I just read an article on Cosmopolitan.com about a mother telling her daughters about her abortion back when it was illegal. It struck a nerve with me because I’ve had one, and aside from my sister, no one in my family knows about it. (You’ve read about how my parents reacted to me dating a dad – imagine how they’d react if they found out I’ve had an abortion!) I feel like the way my communication with my parents now makes me know what kind of relationship I want with my future children, and especially so if I have daughters (or even with my bf’s daughter). I want honest, open communication that will come from a place of love and no judgement – I want that with my own mother, but since that isn’t going to happen, I will be that kind of a mother to my children and future step-child.

Anyway, here’s my abortion story – so common, yet still important as to why I’m pro-choice.

I had just turned 28 and started dating my last boyfriend, although he wasn’t yet my boyfriend. We’d slept together a couple times – drunkenly – and used protection, but there was one night where we couldn’t find the condom after. I didn’t really think anything of it, and had been waiting for my period to come back before I started the pill again. Weeks later my period still didn’t show up and I was sleeping all the time and my boobs got bigger and I realized I should probably go get a pregnancy test. I was literally on the floor of the apartment I shared with my sister and said, “I think I should get a pregnancy test. Want to come with me?” So off we went.

I remember thinking at the time that I didn’t understand why all pregnancy tests are sold in multiples – I couldn’t find just one test, I had to buy two! The moment I took the test, I realized why – you want to make sure your eyes don’t deceive you and to get the same result again, especially since the stick immediately showed that I was indeed pregnant. I freaked out – getting knocked up by accident had at the time been my worst nightmare come true – and I called the guy. He came over and took us to dessert, and made it clear he wanted me to keep it (he was 7 years older than me), but that he would support me in whatever I wanted to do. I decided not to make any decisions until I’d been to see a doctor, even though I was leaning towards abortion.

The doctor confirmed I was pregnant, and that I was 8 weeks along. She also gave me a clinic to go to, so I made the appointment. The relationship was too new – and I knew that I didn’t know if I wanted the responsibility of being parent yet, especially with a guy I had just started dating.

The procedure itself was not fun. They put me under, so thankfully I didn’t feel anything. The worst part that day was probably being in the recovery room after, with women being wheeled out crying. I went home and took it easy. Three days later, there was a lot of blood and I called the clinic. They told me to return the next day, and it turns out they – as gross and terrible as this sounds – didn’t get “all of it”. So I had to go through it again, only this time I’d had breakfast so I couldn’t go under. They numbed the area and I could hear everything that went on, and as they wheeled me out my body was just shaking and my teeth were chattering, though I wasn’t cold. It was awful. Thankfully, there were no further complications and I went on with my life.

The guy and I dated for about 6 more months until we broke up (he’s actually the asshole ex boyfriend I mentioned in the draft email to my parents), and to this day, although I would never wish an abortion on the person I hate most in the world, I am grateful to not be tied to that particular ex, and grateful I had the choice to do what was right for me.

The one thing I wish I could have done differently is if I could have talked to my mom about it, and have her support through it. There is no way I can tell her, though. It will remain a secret between us, and that is my biggest regret.

Advice From a Friend

I’d been trying to get in touch with a previous co-worker of mine from when I lived on the East Coast for about a month, and finally managed to connect with her last Friday. Her story, and why I reached out to her for advice: she is currently married, and her husband has two daughters from his previous marriage. The ex-wife is still in the picture and they share custody. They met (literally) at an airport – neither of them lived where the other did. The lost touch for about 6 months, but once they got back in touch, she met the girls 4 months later and they were engaged 3 months after that and tied the knot two weeks after they were engaged. (They are the perfect example of “when you know, you know”, and this is one thing that I’ve remembered and held on to.)

So I gave her the low down on my whole situation, and ironically for her, his parents didn’t like her at first! Too funny, although now they all get along and love each other.

Her advice for me:

• don’t meet the daughter until we are 100% sure we are getting married (which we do know that’s going to happen – it’s just a matter of time)
• do what’s right for you – at the end of the day, I’m the one who is going to be happy or not happy, so I need to follow my gut. (This in reference to my parents.)

We also agreed that every situation is so different – yes it may seem similar on paper (for example her and my godmother), but you never really know. It’s hard to say exactly how something will turn out just because it looks similar on paper. This, and doing what’s right for me, is really the bottom line here, and that’s all I can say about that!

All in all it was validating to hear her side but also to hear that she seems to agree with me on everything, and she also said it sounds like I’ve got a pretty clear head about it all.

Side note & update on the situation with my parents: I still barely talk to them, except to reply here and there in our family chat. (But not really.) I never replied to the last email they wrote, simply because I just don’t want to keep going around in circles. I’m tired of it, honestly.

A Few Updates On the Fight, Feeling Invisible, What If, & Moving

So I talked to the bf on Friday night – turns out he doesn’t remember saying anything. I asked him if he really believes that having a roommate and having a daughter is the same thing (he said no, and claims he doesn’t know why he would have thought that). We ended up chalking it all up to a stupid, drunken fight that just shouldn’t have happened and all was good.

We’d taken a day trip to a beach on Labor Day, and my gay husband (as I call him) came with us. On the drive back, bf’s daughter face timed him and was asking him who he was with. He said, “Friends” and then showed him my gay hubs who was sitting in the passenger seat, saying “See him? That’s my friend.” and I was basically invisible in the backseat. It didn’t feel good, even though I know that face time obviously is not an appropriate way to introduce us. I just felt invisible and irrelevant, even though I know that’s not true.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but last night I brought up, just saying “Oh, so your good friend [gay hubs], huh?” and he knew exactly what I was referring to. Then I just said, “Do you have a time frame in mind? I’m not in a rush to meet her/them, but I just want to know that you are thinking about it and are trying to figure out how it’s going to work.” And he said, “Actually, ex-wife and I just talked about it recently. She asked if you were going to move with me.” So I guess it’s good they’re talking about it kind of, even though we have no plans to move at this time. I almost told him that I would move for him, but just left it. Everything he was saying to me made sense (ie he doesn’t want to move if we move close but still not close enough, if traffic is terrible and it takes us 2 hours to get to her all the time), so I didn’t bother going there. I know he doesn’t want to move unless it ends up being an ideal situation. Anyway, at the end of it he said he would ideally like me to have met his daughter by the end of the year, which is reasonable.

Also – this week I had my annual check up with the gyno. She asked me if I had any partners currently, were we serious, etc. I told her I went off birth control, and she asked what I would do if I got pregnant. I said I’d keep it, and then later was thinking about it and thinking I should really talk to the bf about it again just in case it does happen. He kept saying he would do whatever I wanted to do, but finally said “Well no, I wouldn’t want you to have an abortion” and that’s all I needed to hear. (I have zero interest in having an abortion, especially at my age and especially since I know the bf is The One anyway, and knowing what a great dad he is!)

Last night he brought up potentially moving – there will be a position opening up in January and he said he wants to ask our VP about, so he wanted to know how I felt about moving. I emphasized that I don’t want the pressure of having to find another job – it took me 10 months and a move across the country to find one after I got laid off two years ago, and that just really sucked. He said he would be paying all the rent anyway so it wouldn’t matter, which kind of surprised me honestly. I then emphasized that it might take another 10 months for me to even find anything (to make sure he is aware it might just happen that way), and he said that was fine. So, what do you know? It’s good to know that he’s willing to completely support me while I move down there – that’s the least he can do if he is uprooting me from a good job and my life here!

Our First Fight

Yesterday really just wasn’t my day. Aside from everything else that happened, last night was the first time the bf and I ever fought. We had been drinking (I had a couple people over for dinner) and he was drunk and I was pretty tipsy as well, so that’s not usually conducive to even arguing in a positive, constructive way.

I’m not sure how it was brought up, but I found out that his ex-wife has told him that she prefers their daughter to hang out with her parents or their nanny over hanging out with him. I was pretty shocked to hear that – he is such a good dad, cares about their daughter so much, pays her child support, and she would prefer their daughter hang out with their NANNY over him?

Anyway, so that led to me telling him that I would need to have met the ex-wife and their daughter before our relationship can move forward. I just said it like “Oh by the way just so you know” – and he immediately sat up (we had been laying in bed in the dark) and got SUPER defensive. I’d never seen him so defensive before, and then we were arguing about how having ex-wife and daughter is a variable in the same way me having a roommate is. I was also surprised by this because that is totally different, and he has never not made sense to me, and this just really didn’t make sense. I said, “But if I hate my roommate, I’m just moving out and finding a new place to live. She is not my DAUGHTER and I don’t love her!” But he insisted it was the same. What?

Then our conversation got pretty heated and I was angry and said “Shut up, I don’t want to talk to you.” and left my bedroom and went to the living room, where I lay down on the couch and then started crying. A few minutes later he gets up and LEAVES, saying he’s going home (37 miles away from where I live!). I ended up getting up, scrambling to find pants, trying to get him to stay, and then grabbing glasses and my phone and keys and running out the door after him. I couldn’t even see him anymore by the time I was outside so I called him and we were arguing over the phone and he couldn’t get over the fact that I told him to shut up – I was crying, yelling, pleading, begging him to turn around or at least just stop so I could catch up. I ended up chasing him for half a mile before I was like, “I can’t do this – I can’t keep chasing you so I am turning around now.” and then we continued arguing until I hung up and then our fight went to a text fight.

I was so sad – I felt like we were breaking up, he refused to get over the fact that I said shut up, and I just got back into bed, crying. Luckily at that point one of my guy friends texted me and I told him I was crying and he called me immediately and he managed to both address what I was going through and distract me at the same time. (Miss him!) During our conversation the bf asks if he can come back because he was close to my apartment still, so I wrote “I spent the last half hour begging you to come back, so yes.”

When he came back, he got into bed and apologized so I asked what he was apologizing about. He said for overreacting, and then he proceeded to tell me how justified it was that he left me after I told him to shut up. So I was like, “Ok well then that’s not a true apology – you’re not actually sorry.” I asked why he came back finally and he said, “Because I care too much.” And I said that was BS because if he cared that much he would never have left me to begin with.

I have never chased a guy; I have never begged someone to talk to me and to stay with me; and once when I was drunk and pissed off for whatever reason I left and the next morning he told me I should never leave even if we’re fighting, because we are in a relationship and we stay. I’m most upset with him leaving my apartment and just ditching me – it felt like he was walking out on our relationship. He says me leaving the room to go to the living room was the same thing, which it isn’t.

All of our issues are still unresolved, and I know we have to talk about it later. He told me today that he loves me more today than yesterday – unfortunately I’m not feeling the same because I’m still upset that he left me like that. And I have to find out what the big deal with “Shut up” is – he was exaggerating and kept saying I told him to shut the eff up, but I never swore. He was super hung up on that for some strange reason, even after I apologized and begged him to come back.

Anyway. It was bad, I had the worst night ever, I am exhausted today, and we are spending the weekend together so I have to talk to him about this tonight. The “shut up” thing, and the fact that I want to meet the ex and his daughter before we take any more steps in our relationship. (Although I don’t think it’ll necessarily break or make our relationship, I just want to know what I’d be getting into. I need to know how much crazier the ex will get, how she will make our lives difficult once I am introduced to their daughter, and I think that is pretty reasonable and don’t know why he doesn’t think so.) It’s not crazy or demanding or high maintenance that I want/need this, is it? I’m not even in a rush for it to happen, and he was like “Well they moved 500 miles away so how is this going to happen??? I don’t know what to do!” And I was like, “Well, that’s why I asked you to make it happen before they moved and that didn’t happen!” I don’t know what he expects me to do.

Sorry for how lengthy this post got.

To be continued…