Back from Asia

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Just thought I’d write a quick update after coming back from Asia. I was actually really sad to leave, which I didn’t expect to happen since I’d kind of been dreading the trip, not knowing what my parents would be like, especially without my sister around. But we actually managed to have totally normal family time, without any emotional breakdowns.

My parents didn’t mention the bf really at all – well Dad never did, Mom did when I told her about the divination (I just realized – I haven’t written about that, have I? Oops! Post coming soon!), but I only mentioned parts about my grandma showing up. Mom just said, “Did you ask if you were going to marry him? You must have talked about relationships!” I didn’t quite know how to tell her that I didn’t specifically ask if we were going to get married, simply because I know it’s going to happen, so I kind of dodged that to the best of my ability.

Other than that, she just sounded resigned when it comes to me and my sister’s relationships, waving her hand and saying “Well, it’s your lives.” I see that as an improvement over being hysterical and emotional and crying and guilt-tripping, so two thumbs up!

While I was in Asia, however, the bf had a phone interview with a company in the city he’s trying to move to, and he says it went really well. I’m trying not to panic, even though I can’t help it! When they asked him when he would be able to start if they were to offer him the job, he told them mid-January due to the holidays and he’s taking off right after Christmas until the 3rd. At least that’s about a month and a half away? We’ll see what happens…

Judge not, lest ye be judged

Last night I saw my sister for the first time in two weeks, and in the car ride home from dinner she told me that she is “surprised” that I haven’t yet met the ex-wife. Um, excuse me? Not only that, but that she another friend of ours talked about it, and how the friend is also surprised that I haven’t met her yet.

Then my sister went on to say how I need to “look out” for myself and not for him, since he is just doing what he thinks is best for HIS family.

The problems I have with this:

1. Who are either of you to say any of this? Are you a single parent? Have you dated a single parent? Are you in a relationship with a single parent? No? Then you have zero basis to give me any real advice.
2. HOW is meeting his ex-wife “looking out” for myself? What is the point? How does it benefit me or my relationship in anyway? She is going to act the way she’s going to act regardless, me meeting her now vs later won’t have any effect on that.
3. Logistically, how would meeting her be any different from figuring out how I’m going to meet the daughter? Is the bf going to just foist my company on to his ex wife for a day while he and his daughter go have fun? No thank you! I’m sure the ex wife wouldn’t want that, and neither do I at this point! Down the line I’m sure we will all be spending time together wherever their daughter is concerned (recitals, soccer games, what have you) – I don’t need to spend a whole day of 1:1 time with her. Thank you very much.

It’s just annoying that my sister is AGAIN making things up and trying to make me think that the bf isn’t looking out for me. I don’t think he is – there are no handbooks or protocols on dealing with any of this, we are making decisions based on what we think is best at the time and that’s the best that we can do. I have no problems with any of it right now, so neither should she.

Plus, and this is kind of off topic, but that friend that she was talking to? Married a guy who a few months ago got mad at her and said she doesn’t contribute anything to their relationship since he has been supporting her financially for the last 2 years. That sounds resentful and like big red warning sign to me, but do I stick my nose in her business and tell her she shouldn’t marry him? Or that I’m SURPRISED she is willing to put up with that? NO. Just because I won’t put up with something doesn’t mean she won’t, and I’m not saying things behind her back. As long as she is happy, who the eff cares what I think anyway? And on top of that, she is moving to a third world country with him, because of his job – at least the bf’s daughter doesn’t live in a whole new country! So please, stop worrying about my life and just worry about yours. Ok, rant over. (And I love her really, but it makes me feel icky knowing she is judging me and saying stuff to my sister who already isn’t a huge fan of my whole situation.)

Ok. That’s all for now.

My Podcast is Up!

Remember when I did a phone coaching session with Christine Hassler? Well, it’s now live! Feel free to check it out here, and let me know what you think in the comments! It made me emotional to listen to it again, and there have been a few comments already on Christine’s blog post about it.

A section of what really resonates with me is from Grateful’s comment:

Stepping away from parents – and being willing to displease them, so as to please and honour the divine within you, is a part of the initiation process to becoming a real adult and a grown up. The daughter falling in love with a man who does not fit the parents’ conservative prejudices – is part of the very spiritual life lesson the parents themselves are supposed to learn. The parents clearly are being confronted with their own prejudices; they have a choice to let their prejudices go, or let their daughter go. Hope she does what’s loving for her; not what suits her parents.

What I love about this is that this commenter is so clearly hoping that I do what’s right for me and not what suits my parents, and I also like the point about the spiritual life lesson for my parents. So spot on!

And another excerpt from MinSF:

It is especially hard to take a break from one’s parents, because society frowns upon it, so there will be further judgment coming her way, and this puts extra pressure on the initiator. I hope she can do it for the higher good of all of them.[…] I found myself bristling every time you suggested that Jessica say she respects her parents’ opinion. I think it’s one thing to respect that they have a right to *have* their opinion. But it’s quite different to respect the opinion itself (that a man with a daughter is not dateable). […] In other words, she can respect that they *have* an opinion, but not the *content* of the opinion.

This is definitely an important distinction! Whenever I say I respect my parents and their opinions, I definitely mean I respect that they have an opinion, and not that I respect the content of their opinion.

Hopefully one day their opinion will change – I was talking about this with the bf today and he also said, “Well in a few years we will have a house and a dog and a yard, and maybe a baby too, and hopefully your parents will see that you are happy and that there isn’t anything else you need or want.” (And this is another reason why I love him!)

I hope the podcast will help anyone else who may be going through what I am, or something similar.

xoxo