Frustrated

The ex wife texted the bf yesterday, after he asked her for details of their daughter’s dance competition. Ex wife asked why and said that she wants the time with their daughter since last weekend was his weekend (never mind that she get her for the next 3 weekends due to travel!) and basically told him not to come. He was like “I don’t want to encroach on your time I just want to show up at the end and give her flowers and make her feel supported for all her hard work” and the ex wife told him that she doesn’t want to have to hang around him and me together because it’s uncomfortable (and yet she is the one who when we met and chatted one on one, told me she doesn’t want things to be uncomfortable if we were ever to show up in support of their daughter in performances or whatever!! She literally said that to me!), then she went on to say that it was also inappropriate for him to bring me to her parents’ house and to go around to their backyard.

First of all, on Saturday when we dropped their daughter off I just followed them out of the car and the bf could hear that everyone was in the backyard next door (the adjoining house is owned by their family as well) so he took her over to literally pick up his daughter and put her down on the other side of the locked gate (the grandma was there along with her sister) and the sister saw me I guess so was like “Hi!” and introduced herself, and then the grandma came over and shook my hand as well. Then we all said bye and that was it. I didn’t enter anything.

Secondly, on Sunday when we dropped her off I again followed them out of the car and just stood in the doorway to say bye to their daughter, and I waved at the ex wife. I was in the entryway for maybe 2 minutes – it’s not like I entered and then made myself at home!

So when I found out about all this I was suddenly really emotional – I really didn’t want anyone to be uncomfortable, and I felt terrible that I unintentionally made her feel that way. I called the bf and was crying, just saying that I felt so bad about it all. I’m sure their daughter told her mom all about her day and I’m also sure she told her a lot about how much fun we had together, so I know it’s somewhat stemmed from the jealousy, but still!

An hour later and now I’m just feeling annoyed and angry. The bf and I try to do everything by her rules and she gets mad at him for having me show up at their house? Like fine, next time I will stay in the damn car. I’ve decided I’m boycotting her and will even sit in the backseat so I don’t even have to make eye contact with her when we go to pick up their daughter. She’s the one who originally said she didn’t want things to be uncomfortable, and I really tried to reassure her that I didn’t want that either. I don’t want to be their daughter’s mom, she already has one! I just wanted us all to at least be able to be civil with each other and get along.

The good news is that all of this has made the bf even more adamant about taking the ex wife back to court to get at least 50% of time with their daughter, add a couple things to their agreement (which is implied even though the ex wife insists it isn’t), AND reduce child support. I’m all for it.

I’m so over her. She is being ridiculous. I don’t even want to see her anymore, or ever.

The Daughter

This past weekend I was in town for work (as part of my transition to moving) and finally got to spend time with the daughter! She was super shy still at the very beginning, but as soon as I got in the car the bf told me to get in the backseat because she wanted to sit with me, so I got in and she chatted a mile a minute about Shopkins and Ninja Turtles and other things. She is so sweet, so, so sweet. I can see why the bf dotes on her – that face is hard to say no to!

The next day we spent all day together running around and it was so much fun. She held my hand way more than the bf’s, and asked to sit with me constantly. At one point the bf was teasing her, saying he should just leave and she smiled and said “no!” after pausing a few seconds.

I finally feel like I have a relationship with her, and after we dropped her off at her mom’s, the bf said, “See? Told you you were gonna be her best friend!”

I’m really happy that this is how the weekend went, and now I’m more excited than ever to move on Saturday!

Breakthrough

This past weekend my sister was participating in a “lifestyle coaching” forum thing for work, and then yesterday she called me, and told me that she had a breakthrough. She confessed that for a long time whenever I’d bring up the bf or mention him she’d feel “ugh”, but she didn’t say anything to me. Then a few months ago something suddenly shifted for her and she realized that he is smart and patient with me and that a good match is hard to find, and personality compatibility is also really important. She also realized that he is a good guy and treats me well and makes me very happy, so she was able to let that go and is now totally open to hearing about my relationship, but she realized she never actually told me this so she wanted to tell me now.

I was tearing up as she told me this, and especially when she said, “Then I realized it must be such a burden on you, to not be able to talk to me and Mom and Dad about your relationship.” Because that is so true – it’s been really hard on me (as evidenced by signing up for therapy and venting here!), and I was crying and thanked her for telling me all this and that it means a lot to me. So it’s really nice to have her support again, especially since I’ve felt like I had to distance myself somewhat from her for a while because of my relationship. It’s such a relief to have her support and and I’m really glad about it.

It also gives me hope that my parents will come around soon as well!

Telling My Parents

I decided to tell my parents that I am moving on Monday night. I wanted to give them adequate time to adjust to the fact that I will be moving, and why. After consulting my therapist, we decided to focus on just the fact that the move will be great for my career (even though technically it’s a lateral move, I got a signing bonus AND a raise, and will now be making 9.5% more than I did last year, which wouldn’t have happened if I had just stayed in my same position and same city). So that’s what I did, and my mom did NOT look happy, though she just said, “Well if you’re happy, I’m happy” a couple times while not looking happy at all.

Two hours later, she texted my sister asking if I am moving because of the boyfriend. My sister called me and we discussed it and she decided she is just going to emphasize that the company needed me in that area and that’s the main reason. I wish she would just talk to me about it, but my therapist says that “triangular communication” (such a good term for this!) is common in families (and heck, my mom does this to my sister as well).

So when they talked, she asked my sis if I was moving FOR the bf. Sis replied, “Well she wanted the money, but I’m sure he was a factor in the decision.” And then Mom goes, “Well did you ASK her?” and my sister says, “Why? What’s the point? She’s happy. Let it go.” and then moved on to chat about her wedding. And then when they talked about the wedding, Sis asked Mom why she wasn’t more excited to help plan, and Mom says, “Because I’m sad!” [insert major eye roll here]. For some reason Mom just refuses to believe that my sister is happy and made the right decision for her, same with me. (Except Sis’s bf also does not have a divorce under the belt, or a kid, so Mom really should be liking him more than she does.)

Sorry Mom, I’m so over you behaving this way!

Judgey McJudgerson

A good friend of mine (last mentioned here) and I caught up the other night on the phone – we don’t live in the same area and she is in school and super busy all the time, so every once in a while we get on the phone for a catch up call. I told her about the upcoming move, the job offer, and everything, and she goes, “I didn’t want to say anything before, but this whole thing just doesn’t feel right.” I asked her for clarification, and she says, “I don’t know if it’s the relationship, or the situation, but it just doesn’t feel right to me and it hasn’t for a while.”

REALLY? Let’s recap her relationship/boyfriend:

1. Her boyfriend is a deadbeat.
2. He is needy and selfish and self-centered.
3. He’s a liar, and lies about important stuff. (For example, last time we talked she told me his ex-wife got a lawyer to both drain and freeze his accounts, so he has no money. That doesn’t even sound legal to me – you can’t just outright freeze someone’s accounts AND drain them without notice! There’s no way! And let’s not forget him lying about his and his ex-wife’s custody arrangements and him telling my friend he got tricked into signing papers, and later telling my bf that he knew exactly what he was doing and got what he wanted.)
4. She is embarrassed to introduce him to her friends.
5. She is conflicted about staying with him because he embarrasses her, doesn’t have any “social standing”, rubs people the wrong way, and has had a vasectomy (and she wants kids of her own some day).

Does this sound like someone you would listen to for relationship advice, or even vague statements about her “feelings” about your relationship? Um, no.

It was still highly irritating though – I love my bf and our relationship, and everything seems to be falling into place. I suspect she is just jealous that everything seems to be working out for me while she stays conflicted about her own life. It was also irritating because even with all the facts mentioned above, I keep my mouth shut when it comes to saying anything judgey, and yet here she is with some wishy washy statement about MY relationship not “feeling” right to HER! Ridiculous.

Just wanted to get that off my chest…

Finally – The Meeting!

Yesterday was the day – the day I finally met the ex-wife, and as an added bonus, I met their daughter!

We met at a Starbucks at noon (after she made the bf meet her first so that she could hand their daughter off to him while she came to meet me). I was so nervous prior to the meeting – the bf and I were trying to guess what she’d say or ask, neither of us really having any idea how it would go.

When she found me at my table she sat down and just said she wanted to meet me and make sure that whoever will be around her daughter will be a good influence. What struck me as rather generous was that she also said “the more people who love her, the better”, and didn’t come across territorial at all. I also just made sure to steer clear of saying anything that might make her feel jealous or threatened, and emphasized that I want everything to be as easy and comfortable for everyone involved as possible, and I think she appreciated. We also talked a little about where we grew up and other various things. 45 minutes later she looks at her watch and says, “Not sure where they went…let’s just have them meet us here.” So I pulled my phone out and texted the bf to come by.

He appears almost instantly and I see his daughter with him, and she is instantly shy. (You know how kids get when they’re shy and acting out a little bit for attention? That’s what she was doing – hitting the bf on his belly with the stuffed animal he just got her; getting her mom to take off her jacket and put it on backwards and zipping her into it, pulling the hood over her face, etc. I just smiled but didn’t want to put any pressure on her, though the ex wife and bf both kept trying to make her say hi to me. Finally she gave in with a wave, and made the briefest of eye contact with me.

Later the bf said he didn’t think I’d be allowed to meet the daughter right then and there, but the ex wife must have just decided to give me her stamp of approval to suggest that I have them meet us. Either way, I am glad to have finally taken that step!

Also, I got my official offer letter on Friday while I was out shopping with the bf, and I got both a raise AND a signing bonus, which I definitely did not expect! I also announced it to my team today and let them know we’ll be transitioning, and I also had a call with the managers to figure out when I’ll be there this month to help out, and I’ll be there the week before I move. (Moving on Saturday the 28th!) I’m also hoping I can convince work to let me stay the weekend while I’m there since that’s a dad weekend and I can spend more time with the daughter.

As always, I’ll keep you all posted. 🙂

Next step: telling my mom that I’m moving…I wonder if she’ll connect the dots with the fact that I told her months ago that the bf was trying to move there because his daughter moved. Wish me luck!