More Emails, cont.

Aug 1st, Dad sent me the following:

Hi Damsel,

It caused me a great deal of heartache to know that you have been seeing a shrink. The reason for my headache is not because of the consultation fee you have to pay but because of the knowledge that you must be feeling all alone in the world.

Please don’t feel sad or left out. You are not alone. I am always there whenever you need me. And the channels of dialogue among all  four of us have never been closed. In fact they have always been wide open.

Yes, Mom reacts strongly when you don’t listen to her opinion on your bf. That’s because she cares for you too much. You probably find it difficult talking to her as you can’t handle her emotion over the phone. As a result, you restrict yourself to superficial chatter when talking to her.

But you and I can talk no problem. You are my little princess and I love you as much as I love your sister. You two are equal to me. Your sister is more pragmatic and has better financial sense but that doesn’t make me love you less.

Feel free to whatsapp me, email me, call me, FaceTime me at any time you feel like talking. Or leave me a message to call you back at a time convenient to you.

At this stage, I know I can’t convince you of our opinion on your relationship but it doesn’t mean you can’t confide in me. If you don’t speak out, I can’t communicate with you. In a dialogue, one party has to take the initiative.

Shrinks are like lawyers. They stir things up so they can bill you. They will tell you that you have problems so you will keep going back to see them.

Forget about the shrink. Start your dialogue with me. Let me know when I can call you

on your Monday or Tuesday.

Love you,

Dad

I didn’t reply to the email right away but I did text him to thank him for the email. It was still frustrating though because the only reason I have a therapist (not a “shrink”!) is because of them! What am I going to say to him? Complain about him to him? Awk-ward. Either way, the gesture was sweet and I appreciated it.

Unfortunately, that Monday or Tuesday I was traveling with the bf and his daughter to his hometown so I didn’t arrange a time to talk to Dad. He was texting me a little bit and I didn’t say who I was going on a trip with but I did say I was meeting up with my bff, and then he remembered that the bf is from there too and that’s when I told him we were staying with his family. Then, he texts me “observe his relationship with his sister – they don’t get along” or something along those lines so I knew instantly my sister must have said something to him and then he grossly exaggerated it on the negative side! So I was like “actually they do get along, we are staying with his sister tomorrow night”. UGH. (I also talked to my sis after this incident and told her not to say ANYTHING that might be misinterpreted in a negative way.)

(Also – I have saved up more money than my sister so not sure why Dad thinks I have less “financial sense” than her – so annoying! Just because I like to shop? I’ve pretty much saved up a whole emergency fund on my own to last me for 6 months if I ever needed it! My sister doesn’t have that, nor does she have as robust a retirement fund as I do. Wtf.)

More Emails

In June, Dad wrote:

Hi Damsel,

It’s good to know you can adapt to life in your new city.

Mom and I said what we had to say. Last thing I want you to be aware is that your cousin’s situation is just the opposite of yours. She was in the same advantageous position that your bf is in, rather than yours. She had her daughter to bring to her new husband’s family. So if she could find any man, financially dependable, that could accept her and a step child, she would grab him.

You are single, pretty, young, well educated and has a rosy career ahead of you. Your sticking to you bf means you lose all the opportunities to meet others.

Everyone would say it is a pity that you sacrifice all your above mentioned advantages to go with your bf. Not being very certain how your relationship with your bf might end in future, you would postpone marriage or child bearing until it might be too late for you to give birth to a child. You love children so much that it makes me very sad to think of that.

I have seen friends who would rather remain single forever than even dating anyone who they consider not right.

Pls bear my advice in mind.

By the way, how much monthly leasing fee do you pay for your car? Is there a car space for your extra car?

Did you see the apartment rental agreement to be aware of the rent?

A two bedroom apartment with one room reserved for his daughter, you should not bear more than 1/3 of the rent, in my opinion.

Best,

Dad

Ok – how insulting is he about my cousin? And who is this “everyone” who says it’s a pity that I am with the bf? And who cares about what his friends choose to do? And why make the assumption that the bf isn’t right for me and that our relationship won’t work out? GAH!

Took me a month to reply:

Hi Dad,

I understand where you’re coming from with the “advantageous vs disadvantageous” thing with my cousin, but that wasn’t my point. My point was that a blended family can be just as happy as a “normal” family. That was all – they are so happy! My whole point is that I am happy regardless of the situation. (Also, I don’t think my cousin was just “grabbing” the first man to come along – they fell in love, as I have with the bf, and I so much want you to understand and respect my feelings.)

I’m not “uncertain” about my relationship. In fact, we are planning on getting engaged and married next year, and have kids about a year or so after that. I want you to share in my happiness.

If I was at all uncertain or had any inkling of the bf not being right for me, I would not have chosen to tell you guys about his situation, and I would not have moved here to be with him. I’m sure you can understand the logic of this. Historically you’ve witnessed me break up with boyfriends before as soon as I thought they weren’t right. The bf is right for me, and me for him. I have no doubts about that.

I understand your concern about my finances. I helped the bf find this apartment so I do know how much rent is.

This relationship is very important to me and I hope you can be happy for me being happy.

The bf will be in Asia over Thanksgiving, and he would really like the opportunity to take you out for a meal. For now, he would like to email you and start a dialogue. Will you please do me the favor of entering into a dialogue with him?

Thanks and love you,

Damsel

He replied in line to the last email which makes it repetitive to copy and paste, but basically he said not to allow the bf to even email him.

Apologies

So much more back and forth has happened that I completely went off the grid. Apologies, but I’m going to try and catch up now.

After the last reply from my parents, I didn’t reply, but Dad wrote me a separate email later. Here it is, with my notes italicized:

Dear Damsel,

I know whatever rational or emotional pleadings made to you to leave the bf will not impress you. So all I can do is to remind you three important things.

Relationship
While you are enjoying your life, please bear in mind that in your bf’s heart, his daughter is always more important than his love to you. This is only natural as the daughter is his child and she will remain his priority. (Obviously, this is something I’ve already struggled with, but now that I have a relationship with his daughter I can appreciate the difference in terms of his love for me and his love for his daughter, and I don’t even care about this anymore.)

When mom asked you to meet his daughter, she hoped that after your meeting his daughter and his wife, you would realize Tor’s background was too complicated for you to live with for the rest of your life. (I KNEW IT! I knew her intentions were not quite simply “make sure you see the whole picture”!!)

His daughter’s bonding with you is irrelevant because the bf’s wife would be jealous and on guard if her daughter ever feels close to you.

Finance
Most important thing for you is to separate your money from his. Don’t ever loan him or guarantee any loan for him, you can get yourself into big financial trouble if you do. Watch out for your own money. (What? What does this specifically have to do with the bf? Why am I going to get into big financial trouble if I lend him money? WHAT?)

If he has permanent financial obligations independent of your relationship, you may end up bearing more of a burden than you expect.

Family
Would you be willing to risk your family not being part of your day to day life? Because we think he’s not best for you, knowing you two are together means we will inevitably distance ourselves from you. (No sh*t.)

With all the changes and sacrifices you have made, if the bf were in your shoes, would he be able to do the same for you? Think about it. (What, defy his family to be with the woman he loves? Yes I think he’d do the same for me!)

Best,
Dad

The whole email was kind of ridic, maybe except for the second paragraph under the “finance” heading.