More Emails, cont.

Aug 1st, Dad sent me the following:

Hi Damsel,

It caused me a great deal of heartache to know that you have been seeing a shrink. The reason for my headache is not because of the consultation fee you have to pay but because of the knowledge that you must be feeling all alone in the world.

Please don’t feel sad or left out. You are not alone. I am always there whenever you need me. And the channels of dialogue among all  four of us have never been closed. In fact they have always been wide open.

Yes, Mom reacts strongly when you don’t listen to her opinion on your bf. That’s because she cares for you too much. You probably find it difficult talking to her as you can’t handle her emotion over the phone. As a result, you restrict yourself to superficial chatter when talking to her.

But you and I can talk no problem. You are my little princess and I love you as much as I love your sister. You two are equal to me. Your sister is more pragmatic and has better financial sense but that doesn’t make me love you less.

Feel free to whatsapp me, email me, call me, FaceTime me at any time you feel like talking. Or leave me a message to call you back at a time convenient to you.

At this stage, I know I can’t convince you of our opinion on your relationship but it doesn’t mean you can’t confide in me. If you don’t speak out, I can’t communicate with you. In a dialogue, one party has to take the initiative.

Shrinks are like lawyers. They stir things up so they can bill you. They will tell you that you have problems so you will keep going back to see them.

Forget about the shrink. Start your dialogue with me. Let me know when I can call you

on your Monday or Tuesday.

Love you,

Dad

I didn’t reply to the email right away but I did text him to thank him for the email. It was still frustrating though because the only reason I have a therapist (not a “shrink”!) is because of them! What am I going to say to him? Complain about him to him? Awk-ward. Either way, the gesture was sweet and I appreciated it.

Unfortunately, that Monday or Tuesday I was traveling with the bf and his daughter to his hometown so I didn’t arrange a time to talk to Dad. He was texting me a little bit and I didn’t say who I was going on a trip with but I did say I was meeting up with my bff, and then he remembered that the bf is from there too and that’s when I told him we were staying with his family. Then, he texts me “observe his relationship with his sister – they don’t get along” or something along those lines so I knew instantly my sister must have said something to him and then he grossly exaggerated it on the negative side! So I was like “actually they do get along, we are staying with his sister tomorrow night”. UGH. (I also talked to my sis after this incident and told her not to say ANYTHING that might be misinterpreted in a negative way.)

(Also – I have saved up more money than my sister so not sure why Dad thinks I have less “financial sense” than her – so annoying! Just because I like to shop? I’ve pretty much saved up a whole emergency fund on my own to last me for 6 months if I ever needed it! My sister doesn’t have that, nor does she have as robust a retirement fund as I do. Wtf.)

More Emails

In June, Dad wrote:

Hi Damsel,

It’s good to know you can adapt to life in your new city.

Mom and I said what we had to say. Last thing I want you to be aware is that your cousin’s situation is just the opposite of yours. She was in the same advantageous position that your bf is in, rather than yours. She had her daughter to bring to her new husband’s family. So if she could find any man, financially dependable, that could accept her and a step child, she would grab him.

You are single, pretty, young, well educated and has a rosy career ahead of you. Your sticking to you bf means you lose all the opportunities to meet others.

Everyone would say it is a pity that you sacrifice all your above mentioned advantages to go with your bf. Not being very certain how your relationship with your bf might end in future, you would postpone marriage or child bearing until it might be too late for you to give birth to a child. You love children so much that it makes me very sad to think of that.

I have seen friends who would rather remain single forever than even dating anyone who they consider not right.

Pls bear my advice in mind.

By the way, how much monthly leasing fee do you pay for your car? Is there a car space for your extra car?

Did you see the apartment rental agreement to be aware of the rent?

A two bedroom apartment with one room reserved for his daughter, you should not bear more than 1/3 of the rent, in my opinion.

Best,

Dad

Ok – how insulting is he about my cousin? And who is this “everyone” who says it’s a pity that I am with the bf? And who cares about what his friends choose to do? And why make the assumption that the bf isn’t right for me and that our relationship won’t work out? GAH!

Took me a month to reply:

Hi Dad,

I understand where you’re coming from with the “advantageous vs disadvantageous” thing with my cousin, but that wasn’t my point. My point was that a blended family can be just as happy as a “normal” family. That was all – they are so happy! My whole point is that I am happy regardless of the situation. (Also, I don’t think my cousin was just “grabbing” the first man to come along – they fell in love, as I have with the bf, and I so much want you to understand and respect my feelings.)

I’m not “uncertain” about my relationship. In fact, we are planning on getting engaged and married next year, and have kids about a year or so after that. I want you to share in my happiness.

If I was at all uncertain or had any inkling of the bf not being right for me, I would not have chosen to tell you guys about his situation, and I would not have moved here to be with him. I’m sure you can understand the logic of this. Historically you’ve witnessed me break up with boyfriends before as soon as I thought they weren’t right. The bf is right for me, and me for him. I have no doubts about that.

I understand your concern about my finances. I helped the bf find this apartment so I do know how much rent is.

This relationship is very important to me and I hope you can be happy for me being happy.

The bf will be in Asia over Thanksgiving, and he would really like the opportunity to take you out for a meal. For now, he would like to email you and start a dialogue. Will you please do me the favor of entering into a dialogue with him?

Thanks and love you,

Damsel

He replied in line to the last email which makes it repetitive to copy and paste, but basically he said not to allow the bf to even email him.

Apologies

So much more back and forth has happened that I completely went off the grid. Apologies, but I’m going to try and catch up now.

After the last reply from my parents, I didn’t reply, but Dad wrote me a separate email later. Here it is, with my notes italicized:

Dear Damsel,

I know whatever rational or emotional pleadings made to you to leave the bf will not impress you. So all I can do is to remind you three important things.

Relationship
While you are enjoying your life, please bear in mind that in your bf’s heart, his daughter is always more important than his love to you. This is only natural as the daughter is his child and she will remain his priority. (Obviously, this is something I’ve already struggled with, but now that I have a relationship with his daughter I can appreciate the difference in terms of his love for me and his love for his daughter, and I don’t even care about this anymore.)

When mom asked you to meet his daughter, she hoped that after your meeting his daughter and his wife, you would realize Tor’s background was too complicated for you to live with for the rest of your life. (I KNEW IT! I knew her intentions were not quite simply “make sure you see the whole picture”!!)

His daughter’s bonding with you is irrelevant because the bf’s wife would be jealous and on guard if her daughter ever feels close to you.

Finance
Most important thing for you is to separate your money from his. Don’t ever loan him or guarantee any loan for him, you can get yourself into big financial trouble if you do. Watch out for your own money. (What? What does this specifically have to do with the bf? Why am I going to get into big financial trouble if I lend him money? WHAT?)

If he has permanent financial obligations independent of your relationship, you may end up bearing more of a burden than you expect.

Family
Would you be willing to risk your family not being part of your day to day life? Because we think he’s not best for you, knowing you two are together means we will inevitably distance ourselves from you. (No sh*t.)

With all the changes and sacrifices you have made, if the bf were in your shoes, would he be able to do the same for you? Think about it. (What, defy his family to be with the woman he loves? Yes I think he’d do the same for me!)

Best,
Dad

The whole email was kind of ridic, maybe except for the second paragraph under the “finance” heading.

Truth Hurts

Today I decided to come clean to my parents about living with the bf, and I decided to do it via email. I had my therapist read it and approve it, then it made the rounds with the bf, my bff, and my sister. The final version was this:

Hi Mom,

I wanted to give you an update on my life rather than beat around the bush.

I know you know that I am still with the bf, and really hope that you can accept my relationship and be happy for me. I am very happy, and the only thing that doesn’t make me happy right now is knowing that you and Dad hate that I’m in this relationship.

The bf is a very important part of my life, and yes of course he was a factor in me deciding to move. We’ve now been together for more than a year, which if you don’t know is the longest relationship I’ve had so far. I’ve discussed it with my sister as well and she now understands how hard it is to find a match, and she recognizes that for me especially I need someone who is both smart and patient, and the bf has both those qualities in spades. We rarely fight or argue and complement each other in personalities very well.

I also wanted to use this time to confess that I lied – I am living with the bf. I lied and told you I’d found another place because I was afraid of how upset you would be. I know you worry about me and that my choice to live with him might make you very scared about my well-being, maybe even angry at me, so I took what seemed like the easy way out at the time and lied to protect all of our feelings. But then after a lot of thought I decided that it was better for me and for our relationship to be honest and open with you.

My sister is happy for me and was excited for me moving, and I hope sometime soon you can be happy for me too. She also acknowledged that “it must have been such a burden for you, not being able to talk to me or Mom and Dad about your relationship”, which brought me to tears when she said that, because she hit the nail on the head with that – I hate not being able to share such an important and big part of my life with you guys.

I’ve met both the daughter and the ex wife, and things are fine. The daughter is great – super sweet and loving, and we have already bonded. The ex wife is fine as well – the four of us actually also had lunch together recently and it went well.

I know this (the bf having a daughter and ex-wife) isn’t an ideal situation, but I value him as a person and for what he brings to my life and he is the one for me. He is the best relationship I’ve ever had and I know my future is with him. He is coming to my sister’s wedding and I will introduce him to you then, and I hope you can be open and accepting.

I love you and Dad so much and just hope that someday you can be happy for me too.

Love,
Me

I was so anxious after sending it that I booked a spin class right away for after work even though I hadn’t been in months, thinking it might help me deal with my anxiety. On my way to the class, Mom emailed me back. Four short emails within 15 minutes of each other:

#1: You are a horrible liar and cheater!
#2: I’m disappointed in both you and your sister. You should lie and cheat to others but NOT to your own family.
#3: You give us back the money for your new car and [sister] you pay for your own wedding.
#4: I can only say that you deserve the life you choose. Go ahead and make your own life.

Dad wrote back just now, and for some reason I am more heartbroken about his email – maybe because generally he is less crazy and emotional than my mom? Here it is:

Damsel,

You should have told us the truth. I love you and wanted you to enjoy some luxuries so I went along with the nicer car than the one we were originally considering. Had I known the whole truth, I would have had second thoughts on buying you a car.

I am deeply disappointed and saddened by your act. You work out a monthly
re-payment plan to pay me back the car money (without interest) over a period of time.

If your bf comes to your sister’s wedding, I will not attend it.

Best,
Dad

I am so sad and heartbroken and disappointed and frustrated and lonely right now. (The bf’s on a business trip so right now it’s just me at home.) I can only hope that things will change before my sister’s wedding – they are being so irrational and crazy and I wish I could make them SEE. I don’t know what to do.

Telling My Parents

I decided to tell my parents that I am moving on Monday night. I wanted to give them adequate time to adjust to the fact that I will be moving, and why. After consulting my therapist, we decided to focus on just the fact that the move will be great for my career (even though technically it’s a lateral move, I got a signing bonus AND a raise, and will now be making 9.5% more than I did last year, which wouldn’t have happened if I had just stayed in my same position and same city). So that’s what I did, and my mom did NOT look happy, though she just said, “Well if you’re happy, I’m happy” a couple times while not looking happy at all.

Two hours later, she texted my sister asking if I am moving because of the boyfriend. My sister called me and we discussed it and she decided she is just going to emphasize that the company needed me in that area and that’s the main reason. I wish she would just talk to me about it, but my therapist says that “triangular communication” (such a good term for this!) is common in families (and heck, my mom does this to my sister as well).

So when they talked, she asked my sis if I was moving FOR the bf. Sis replied, “Well she wanted the money, but I’m sure he was a factor in the decision.” And then Mom goes, “Well did you ASK her?” and my sister says, “Why? What’s the point? She’s happy. Let it go.” and then moved on to chat about her wedding. And then when they talked about the wedding, Sis asked Mom why she wasn’t more excited to help plan, and Mom says, “Because I’m sad!” [insert major eye roll here]. For some reason Mom just refuses to believe that my sister is happy and made the right decision for her, same with me. (Except Sis’s bf also does not have a divorce under the belt, or a kid, so Mom really should be liking him more than she does.)

Sorry Mom, I’m so over you behaving this way!

SKII – Marriage Market Takeover

I just watched this video below, about women over 25 being single shamed in China, and mostly from their parents. I thought I would share it on the blog because it shows the pressure that us Asian kids can get from our parents, and it might explain it a little better than I can with my words. Even though my parents have never single-shamed me, my sister recently got engaged (to her boyfriend of 3.5 years) and STILL my mom isn’t happy. It’s pretty ridiculous, and it’s helped give me the strength to decide that the moment I meet the ex-wife/child, I will tell her. Because she will have to get over it at some point, or at least pretend to. I don’t even know if she thinks I’ve broken up with the bf or not, so I just want to start sharing that part of my life again, but I’m waiting until I’ve met at least one of them so that I actually have an update, versus a year later and not having have met either of them (which from her last email to me seems like the most important part to her, so I can say that I’ve met them and that yes he is still the man I want to be with).

I just hope there will be a better understanding between my mom and both my sister and me, like how the parents come to terms to it in the video. Watch below, and make sure to turn subtitles on if you don’t understand mandarin.

My Sister

Oh thank the Lord. My sister called me last weekend (I completely forgot to blog about this earlier) since I hadn’t replied to any of her texts. Long story short, we had an alumnae gathering last weekend and she decided she was going to bring her boyfriend. We went to an all-girls, Catholic boarding school, complete with nuns, so I chose not to bring the bf on account of not wanting him to be bored to tears. Plus, that way I could chat to all the faculty/staff/former classmates I wanted to without worrying about him.

My sis and I talked about this a few weeks ago and I gave her my reasoning for not wanting to bring him, and then two weeks ago she texts me telling me I should bring him and that she’ll “explain later”. I was already really annoyed at her telling me what to do so I never replied and she never explained, and then on the day of the event she was texting again telling me “Don’t forget to bring the bf”. Again, I was super annoyed! Why couldn’t she just not tell me what to do and leave me alone?? She sent me a bunch more texts and I didn’t reply so finally she called me and was like “HELLO! You’re alive!”

So I had to tell her my reasons – AGAIN – for not bringing him. She was like “but there’s going to be a presentation and don’t you think it’s good for him to experience the nuns?” (WHAT?) Also, it turns out she didn’t remember that we had a whole conversation about this weeks ago so she apologized for that. And I told her she was being annoying when she asked why I wasn’t replying. I tried to do it as nicely as I could since she is super sensitive, but couldn’t help some of the annoyance. I just said something along the lines of “I didn’t reply because you were annoying me but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings so I just didn’t say anything.”

FINALLY, she said, “I’m sorry. I’m not going to meddle any longer. You are clearly happy and know what you are doing so I won’t think for you anymore.” (No one asked her to “think for me” in the first place!) Thank. The. Lord.

It’s just so irritating when my younger sister is trying to control my life – I have my reasons for doing what I do, I’m not some 15 year old head over heels in love and will do anything for the first guy to come my way! So thank God we can just move on now.

Back from Asia

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Just thought I’d write a quick update after coming back from Asia. I was actually really sad to leave, which I didn’t expect to happen since I’d kind of been dreading the trip, not knowing what my parents would be like, especially without my sister around. But we actually managed to have totally normal family time, without any emotional breakdowns.

My parents didn’t mention the bf really at all – well Dad never did, Mom did when I told her about the divination (I just realized – I haven’t written about that, have I? Oops! Post coming soon!), but I only mentioned parts about my grandma showing up. Mom just said, “Did you ask if you were going to marry him? You must have talked about relationships!” I didn’t quite know how to tell her that I didn’t specifically ask if we were going to get married, simply because I know it’s going to happen, so I kind of dodged that to the best of my ability.

Other than that, she just sounded resigned when it comes to me and my sister’s relationships, waving her hand and saying “Well, it’s your lives.” I see that as an improvement over being hysterical and emotional and crying and guilt-tripping, so two thumbs up!

While I was in Asia, however, the bf had a phone interview with a company in the city he’s trying to move to, and he says it went really well. I’m trying not to panic, even though I can’t help it! When they asked him when he would be able to start if they were to offer him the job, he told them mid-January due to the holidays and he’s taking off right after Christmas until the 3rd. At least that’s about a month and a half away? We’ll see what happens…

My Podcast is Up!

Remember when I did a phone coaching session with Christine Hassler? Well, it’s now live! Feel free to check it out here, and let me know what you think in the comments! It made me emotional to listen to it again, and there have been a few comments already on Christine’s blog post about it.

A section of what really resonates with me is from Grateful’s comment:

Stepping away from parents – and being willing to displease them, so as to please and honour the divine within you, is a part of the initiation process to becoming a real adult and a grown up. The daughter falling in love with a man who does not fit the parents’ conservative prejudices – is part of the very spiritual life lesson the parents themselves are supposed to learn. The parents clearly are being confronted with their own prejudices; they have a choice to let their prejudices go, or let their daughter go. Hope she does what’s loving for her; not what suits her parents.

What I love about this is that this commenter is so clearly hoping that I do what’s right for me and not what suits my parents, and I also like the point about the spiritual life lesson for my parents. So spot on!

And another excerpt from MinSF:

It is especially hard to take a break from one’s parents, because society frowns upon it, so there will be further judgment coming her way, and this puts extra pressure on the initiator. I hope she can do it for the higher good of all of them.[…] I found myself bristling every time you suggested that Jessica say she respects her parents’ opinion. I think it’s one thing to respect that they have a right to *have* their opinion. But it’s quite different to respect the opinion itself (that a man with a daughter is not dateable). […] In other words, she can respect that they *have* an opinion, but not the *content* of the opinion.

This is definitely an important distinction! Whenever I say I respect my parents and their opinions, I definitely mean I respect that they have an opinion, and not that I respect the content of their opinion.

Hopefully one day their opinion will change – I was talking about this with the bf today and he also said, “Well in a few years we will have a house and a dog and a yard, and maybe a baby too, and hopefully your parents will see that you are happy and that there isn’t anything else you need or want.” (And this is another reason why I love him!)

I hope the podcast will help anyone else who may be going through what I am, or something similar.

xoxo

You Know What Really Sucks?

This past weekend the bf and I drove up to visit my cousin (the one who has an older daughter from her first marriage, and 2 kids with her current husband) because I missed the kiddos so much. I took so many cute photos and videos but didn’t even want to run the risk of “upsetting” my parents again by sending them photos because they’ll for sure ask how long I went for, how I got there, and who with. (I normally go for a whole weekend, but this time we just visited for the day.) So they really just missed out on my nieces and nephew’s adorable-ness, and I love those kiddos so much that I wish I could share it with them.

As an side note, I took the cutest video of the bf reading to my littlest niece (and my favorite – shh) when she had just woken from a nap. It melted my heart to see her sitting on his lap (she generally doesn’t really like grown men – she barely even lets her grandpa hold her, and never gave my sister’s bf a hug on her birthday until they were leaving) and having him read to her and her responding, albeit super quietly and shyly. She is so adorable! And seeing him with her was adorable. I can’t wait to see him with our own babies.

The night before we went up we were also talking, and he was saying how it is such a big turn on for him to see how much I love the kids in the my life, and how he thinks I’ll make a great mother. It’s the first time he’s really told me that outright, so I really cherished that!

I was also recently thinking that it would be really nice and neat and tidy if I were able to meet his daughter before I go home for Thanksgiving, but there currently aren’t any plans for that to happen (STILL!). He’s going to visit this weekend so hopefully he has a real talk with the ex-wife and can make actual plans. This is just dragging out and I want it to happen, and especially before Thanksgiving because I know my parents will ask me if I’ve met her yet and it will look bad on his part for me to say no.

I know that isn’t a good reason for me to meet them, but it will just make my life easier when I have to deal with their questions. haha (Totally selfish I know, but I can’t help thinking it!) I’m kind of dreading being home especially since my sister won’t be with me – but at least I’ll have the dog to comfort me. Ugh. We are talking here and there, but not that much and I only facetimed them once since they left for my grandma’s birthday.

Well, I guess we’ll see what happens…