Today I decided to come clean to my parents about living with the bf, and I decided to do it via email. I had my therapist read it and approve it, then it made the rounds with the bf, my bff, and my sister. The final version was this:
Hi Mom,
I wanted to give you an update on my life rather than beat around the bush.
I know you know that I am still with the bf, and really hope that you can accept my relationship and be happy for me. I am very happy, and the only thing that doesn’t make me happy right now is knowing that you and Dad hate that I’m in this relationship.
The bf is a very important part of my life, and yes of course he was a factor in me deciding to move. We’ve now been together for more than a year, which if you don’t know is the longest relationship I’ve had so far. I’ve discussed it with my sister as well and she now understands how hard it is to find a match, and she recognizes that for me especially I need someone who is both smart and patient, and the bf has both those qualities in spades. We rarely fight or argue and complement each other in personalities very well.
I also wanted to use this time to confess that I lied – I am living with the bf. I lied and told you I’d found another place because I was afraid of how upset you would be. I know you worry about me and that my choice to live with him might make you very scared about my well-being, maybe even angry at me, so I took what seemed like the easy way out at the time and lied to protect all of our feelings. But then after a lot of thought I decided that it was better for me and for our relationship to be honest and open with you.
My sister is happy for me and was excited for me moving, and I hope sometime soon you can be happy for me too. She also acknowledged that “it must have been such a burden for you, not being able to talk to me or Mom and Dad about your relationship”, which brought me to tears when she said that, because she hit the nail on the head with that – I hate not being able to share such an important and big part of my life with you guys.
I’ve met both the daughter and the ex wife, and things are fine. The daughter is great – super sweet and loving, and we have already bonded. The ex wife is fine as well – the four of us actually also had lunch together recently and it went well.
I know this (the bf having a daughter and ex-wife) isn’t an ideal situation, but I value him as a person and for what he brings to my life and he is the one for me. He is the best relationship I’ve ever had and I know my future is with him. He is coming to my sister’s wedding and I will introduce him to you then, and I hope you can be open and accepting.
I love you and Dad so much and just hope that someday you can be happy for me too.
Love,
Me
I was so anxious after sending it that I booked a spin class right away for after work even though I hadn’t been in months, thinking it might help me deal with my anxiety. On my way to the class, Mom emailed me back. Four short emails within 15 minutes of each other:
#1: You are a horrible liar and cheater!
#2: I’m disappointed in both you and your sister. You should lie and cheat to others but NOT to your own family.
#3: You give us back the money for your new car and [sister] you pay for your own wedding.
#4: I can only say that you deserve the life you choose. Go ahead and make your own life.
Dad wrote back just now, and for some reason I am more heartbroken about his email – maybe because generally he is less crazy and emotional than my mom? Here it is:
Damsel,
You should have told us the truth. I love you and wanted you to enjoy some luxuries so I went along with the nicer car than the one we were originally considering. Had I known the whole truth, I would have had second thoughts on buying you a car.
I am deeply disappointed and saddened by your act. You work out a monthly
re-payment plan to pay me back the car money (without interest) over a period of time.If your bf comes to your sister’s wedding, I will not attend it.
Best,
Dad
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