More Emails, cont.

Aug 1st, Dad sent me the following:

Hi Damsel,

It caused me a great deal of heartache to know that you have been seeing a shrink. The reason for my headache is not because of the consultation fee you have to pay but because of the knowledge that you must be feeling all alone in the world.

Please don’t feel sad or left out. You are not alone. I am always there whenever you need me. And the channels of dialogue among all  four of us have never been closed. In fact they have always been wide open.

Yes, Mom reacts strongly when you don’t listen to her opinion on your bf. That’s because she cares for you too much. You probably find it difficult talking to her as you can’t handle her emotion over the phone. As a result, you restrict yourself to superficial chatter when talking to her.

But you and I can talk no problem. You are my little princess and I love you as much as I love your sister. You two are equal to me. Your sister is more pragmatic and has better financial sense but that doesn’t make me love you less.

Feel free to whatsapp me, email me, call me, FaceTime me at any time you feel like talking. Or leave me a message to call you back at a time convenient to you.

At this stage, I know I can’t convince you of our opinion on your relationship but it doesn’t mean you can’t confide in me. If you don’t speak out, I can’t communicate with you. In a dialogue, one party has to take the initiative.

Shrinks are like lawyers. They stir things up so they can bill you. They will tell you that you have problems so you will keep going back to see them.

Forget about the shrink. Start your dialogue with me. Let me know when I can call you

on your Monday or Tuesday.

Love you,

Dad

I didn’t reply to the email right away but I did text him to thank him for the email. It was still frustrating though because the only reason I have a therapist (not a “shrink”!) is because of them! What am I going to say to him? Complain about him to him? Awk-ward. Either way, the gesture was sweet and I appreciated it.

Unfortunately, that Monday or Tuesday I was traveling with the bf and his daughter to his hometown so I didn’t arrange a time to talk to Dad. He was texting me a little bit and I didn’t say who I was going on a trip with but I did say I was meeting up with my bff, and then he remembered that the bf is from there too and that’s when I told him we were staying with his family. Then, he texts me “observe his relationship with his sister – they don’t get along” or something along those lines so I knew instantly my sister must have said something to him and then he grossly exaggerated it on the negative side! So I was like “actually they do get along, we are staying with his sister tomorrow night”. UGH. (I also talked to my sis after this incident and told her not to say ANYTHING that might be misinterpreted in a negative way.)

(Also – I have saved up more money than my sister so not sure why Dad thinks I have less “financial sense” than her – so annoying! Just because I like to shop? I’ve pretty much saved up a whole emergency fund on my own to last me for 6 months if I ever needed it! My sister doesn’t have that, nor does she have as robust a retirement fund as I do. Wtf.)

More Emails

In June, Dad wrote:

Hi Damsel,

It’s good to know you can adapt to life in your new city.

Mom and I said what we had to say. Last thing I want you to be aware is that your cousin’s situation is just the opposite of yours. She was in the same advantageous position that your bf is in, rather than yours. She had her daughter to bring to her new husband’s family. So if she could find any man, financially dependable, that could accept her and a step child, she would grab him.

You are single, pretty, young, well educated and has a rosy career ahead of you. Your sticking to you bf means you lose all the opportunities to meet others.

Everyone would say it is a pity that you sacrifice all your above mentioned advantages to go with your bf. Not being very certain how your relationship with your bf might end in future, you would postpone marriage or child bearing until it might be too late for you to give birth to a child. You love children so much that it makes me very sad to think of that.

I have seen friends who would rather remain single forever than even dating anyone who they consider not right.

Pls bear my advice in mind.

By the way, how much monthly leasing fee do you pay for your car? Is there a car space for your extra car?

Did you see the apartment rental agreement to be aware of the rent?

A two bedroom apartment with one room reserved for his daughter, you should not bear more than 1/3 of the rent, in my opinion.

Best,

Dad

Ok – how insulting is he about my cousin? And who is this “everyone” who says it’s a pity that I am with the bf? And who cares about what his friends choose to do? And why make the assumption that the bf isn’t right for me and that our relationship won’t work out? GAH!

Took me a month to reply:

Hi Dad,

I understand where you’re coming from with the “advantageous vs disadvantageous” thing with my cousin, but that wasn’t my point. My point was that a blended family can be just as happy as a “normal” family. That was all – they are so happy! My whole point is that I am happy regardless of the situation. (Also, I don’t think my cousin was just “grabbing” the first man to come along – they fell in love, as I have with the bf, and I so much want you to understand and respect my feelings.)

I’m not “uncertain” about my relationship. In fact, we are planning on getting engaged and married next year, and have kids about a year or so after that. I want you to share in my happiness.

If I was at all uncertain or had any inkling of the bf not being right for me, I would not have chosen to tell you guys about his situation, and I would not have moved here to be with him. I’m sure you can understand the logic of this. Historically you’ve witnessed me break up with boyfriends before as soon as I thought they weren’t right. The bf is right for me, and me for him. I have no doubts about that.

I understand your concern about my finances. I helped the bf find this apartment so I do know how much rent is.

This relationship is very important to me and I hope you can be happy for me being happy.

The bf will be in Asia over Thanksgiving, and he would really like the opportunity to take you out for a meal. For now, he would like to email you and start a dialogue. Will you please do me the favor of entering into a dialogue with him?

Thanks and love you,

Damsel

He replied in line to the last email which makes it repetitive to copy and paste, but basically he said not to allow the bf to even email him.

Apologies

So much more back and forth has happened that I completely went off the grid. Apologies, but I’m going to try and catch up now.

After the last reply from my parents, I didn’t reply, but Dad wrote me a separate email later. Here it is, with my notes italicized:

Dear Damsel,

I know whatever rational or emotional pleadings made to you to leave the bf will not impress you. So all I can do is to remind you three important things.

Relationship
While you are enjoying your life, please bear in mind that in your bf’s heart, his daughter is always more important than his love to you. This is only natural as the daughter is his child and she will remain his priority. (Obviously, this is something I’ve already struggled with, but now that I have a relationship with his daughter I can appreciate the difference in terms of his love for me and his love for his daughter, and I don’t even care about this anymore.)

When mom asked you to meet his daughter, she hoped that after your meeting his daughter and his wife, you would realize Tor’s background was too complicated for you to live with for the rest of your life. (I KNEW IT! I knew her intentions were not quite simply “make sure you see the whole picture”!!)

His daughter’s bonding with you is irrelevant because the bf’s wife would be jealous and on guard if her daughter ever feels close to you.

Finance
Most important thing for you is to separate your money from his. Don’t ever loan him or guarantee any loan for him, you can get yourself into big financial trouble if you do. Watch out for your own money. (What? What does this specifically have to do with the bf? Why am I going to get into big financial trouble if I lend him money? WHAT?)

If he has permanent financial obligations independent of your relationship, you may end up bearing more of a burden than you expect.

Family
Would you be willing to risk your family not being part of your day to day life? Because we think he’s not best for you, knowing you two are together means we will inevitably distance ourselves from you. (No sh*t.)

With all the changes and sacrifices you have made, if the bf were in your shoes, would he be able to do the same for you? Think about it. (What, defy his family to be with the woman he loves? Yes I think he’d do the same for me!)

Best,
Dad

The whole email was kind of ridic, maybe except for the second paragraph under the “finance” heading.

Truth Hurts

Today I decided to come clean to my parents about living with the bf, and I decided to do it via email. I had my therapist read it and approve it, then it made the rounds with the bf, my bff, and my sister. The final version was this:

Hi Mom,

I wanted to give you an update on my life rather than beat around the bush.

I know you know that I am still with the bf, and really hope that you can accept my relationship and be happy for me. I am very happy, and the only thing that doesn’t make me happy right now is knowing that you and Dad hate that I’m in this relationship.

The bf is a very important part of my life, and yes of course he was a factor in me deciding to move. We’ve now been together for more than a year, which if you don’t know is the longest relationship I’ve had so far. I’ve discussed it with my sister as well and she now understands how hard it is to find a match, and she recognizes that for me especially I need someone who is both smart and patient, and the bf has both those qualities in spades. We rarely fight or argue and complement each other in personalities very well.

I also wanted to use this time to confess that I lied – I am living with the bf. I lied and told you I’d found another place because I was afraid of how upset you would be. I know you worry about me and that my choice to live with him might make you very scared about my well-being, maybe even angry at me, so I took what seemed like the easy way out at the time and lied to protect all of our feelings. But then after a lot of thought I decided that it was better for me and for our relationship to be honest and open with you.

My sister is happy for me and was excited for me moving, and I hope sometime soon you can be happy for me too. She also acknowledged that “it must have been such a burden for you, not being able to talk to me or Mom and Dad about your relationship”, which brought me to tears when she said that, because she hit the nail on the head with that – I hate not being able to share such an important and big part of my life with you guys.

I’ve met both the daughter and the ex wife, and things are fine. The daughter is great – super sweet and loving, and we have already bonded. The ex wife is fine as well – the four of us actually also had lunch together recently and it went well.

I know this (the bf having a daughter and ex-wife) isn’t an ideal situation, but I value him as a person and for what he brings to my life and he is the one for me. He is the best relationship I’ve ever had and I know my future is with him. He is coming to my sister’s wedding and I will introduce him to you then, and I hope you can be open and accepting.

I love you and Dad so much and just hope that someday you can be happy for me too.

Love,
Me

I was so anxious after sending it that I booked a spin class right away for after work even though I hadn’t been in months, thinking it might help me deal with my anxiety. On my way to the class, Mom emailed me back. Four short emails within 15 minutes of each other:

#1: You are a horrible liar and cheater!
#2: I’m disappointed in both you and your sister. You should lie and cheat to others but NOT to your own family.
#3: You give us back the money for your new car and [sister] you pay for your own wedding.
#4: I can only say that you deserve the life you choose. Go ahead and make your own life.

Dad wrote back just now, and for some reason I am more heartbroken about his email – maybe because generally he is less crazy and emotional than my mom? Here it is:

Damsel,

You should have told us the truth. I love you and wanted you to enjoy some luxuries so I went along with the nicer car than the one we were originally considering. Had I known the whole truth, I would have had second thoughts on buying you a car.

I am deeply disappointed and saddened by your act. You work out a monthly
re-payment plan to pay me back the car money (without interest) over a period of time.

If your bf comes to your sister’s wedding, I will not attend it.

Best,
Dad

I am so sad and heartbroken and disappointed and frustrated and lonely right now. (The bf’s on a business trip so right now it’s just me at home.) I can only hope that things will change before my sister’s wedding – they are being so irrational and crazy and I wish I could make them SEE. I don’t know what to do.

Frustrated

The ex wife texted the bf yesterday, after he asked her for details of their daughter’s dance competition. Ex wife asked why and said that she wants the time with their daughter since last weekend was his weekend (never mind that she get her for the next 3 weekends due to travel!) and basically told him not to come. He was like “I don’t want to encroach on your time I just want to show up at the end and give her flowers and make her feel supported for all her hard work” and the ex wife told him that she doesn’t want to have to hang around him and me together because it’s uncomfortable (and yet she is the one who when we met and chatted one on one, told me she doesn’t want things to be uncomfortable if we were ever to show up in support of their daughter in performances or whatever!! She literally said that to me!), then she went on to say that it was also inappropriate for him to bring me to her parents’ house and to go around to their backyard.

First of all, on Saturday when we dropped their daughter off I just followed them out of the car and the bf could hear that everyone was in the backyard next door (the adjoining house is owned by their family as well) so he took her over to literally pick up his daughter and put her down on the other side of the locked gate (the grandma was there along with her sister) and the sister saw me I guess so was like “Hi!” and introduced herself, and then the grandma came over and shook my hand as well. Then we all said bye and that was it. I didn’t enter anything.

Secondly, on Sunday when we dropped her off I again followed them out of the car and just stood in the doorway to say bye to their daughter, and I waved at the ex wife. I was in the entryway for maybe 2 minutes – it’s not like I entered and then made myself at home!

So when I found out about all this I was suddenly really emotional – I really didn’t want anyone to be uncomfortable, and I felt terrible that I unintentionally made her feel that way. I called the bf and was crying, just saying that I felt so bad about it all. I’m sure their daughter told her mom all about her day and I’m also sure she told her a lot about how much fun we had together, so I know it’s somewhat stemmed from the jealousy, but still!

An hour later and now I’m just feeling annoyed and angry. The bf and I try to do everything by her rules and she gets mad at him for having me show up at their house? Like fine, next time I will stay in the damn car. I’ve decided I’m boycotting her and will even sit in the backseat so I don’t even have to make eye contact with her when we go to pick up their daughter. She’s the one who originally said she didn’t want things to be uncomfortable, and I really tried to reassure her that I didn’t want that either. I don’t want to be their daughter’s mom, she already has one! I just wanted us all to at least be able to be civil with each other and get along.

The good news is that all of this has made the bf even more adamant about taking the ex wife back to court to get at least 50% of time with their daughter, add a couple things to their agreement (which is implied even though the ex wife insists it isn’t), AND reduce child support. I’m all for it.

I’m so over her. She is being ridiculous. I don’t even want to see her anymore, or ever.

The Daughter

This past weekend I was in town for work (as part of my transition to moving) and finally got to spend time with the daughter! She was super shy still at the very beginning, but as soon as I got in the car the bf told me to get in the backseat because she wanted to sit with me, so I got in and she chatted a mile a minute about Shopkins and Ninja Turtles and other things. She is so sweet, so, so sweet. I can see why the bf dotes on her – that face is hard to say no to!

The next day we spent all day together running around and it was so much fun. She held my hand way more than the bf’s, and asked to sit with me constantly. At one point the bf was teasing her, saying he should just leave and she smiled and said “no!” after pausing a few seconds.

I finally feel like I have a relationship with her, and after we dropped her off at her mom’s, the bf said, “See? Told you you were gonna be her best friend!”

I’m really happy that this is how the weekend went, and now I’m more excited than ever to move on Saturday!

Breakthrough

This past weekend my sister was participating in a “lifestyle coaching” forum thing for work, and then yesterday she called me, and told me that she had a breakthrough. She confessed that for a long time whenever I’d bring up the bf or mention him she’d feel “ugh”, but she didn’t say anything to me. Then a few months ago something suddenly shifted for her and she realized that he is smart and patient with me and that a good match is hard to find, and personality compatibility is also really important. She also realized that he is a good guy and treats me well and makes me very happy, so she was able to let that go and is now totally open to hearing about my relationship, but she realized she never actually told me this so she wanted to tell me now.

I was tearing up as she told me this, and especially when she said, “Then I realized it must be such a burden on you, to not be able to talk to me and Mom and Dad about your relationship.” Because that is so true – it’s been really hard on me (as evidenced by signing up for therapy and venting here!), and I was crying and thanked her for telling me all this and that it means a lot to me. So it’s really nice to have her support again, especially since I’ve felt like I had to distance myself somewhat from her for a while because of my relationship. It’s such a relief to have her support and and I’m really glad about it.

It also gives me hope that my parents will come around soon as well!

Telling My Parents

I decided to tell my parents that I am moving on Monday night. I wanted to give them adequate time to adjust to the fact that I will be moving, and why. After consulting my therapist, we decided to focus on just the fact that the move will be great for my career (even though technically it’s a lateral move, I got a signing bonus AND a raise, and will now be making 9.5% more than I did last year, which wouldn’t have happened if I had just stayed in my same position and same city). So that’s what I did, and my mom did NOT look happy, though she just said, “Well if you’re happy, I’m happy” a couple times while not looking happy at all.

Two hours later, she texted my sister asking if I am moving because of the boyfriend. My sister called me and we discussed it and she decided she is just going to emphasize that the company needed me in that area and that’s the main reason. I wish she would just talk to me about it, but my therapist says that “triangular communication” (such a good term for this!) is common in families (and heck, my mom does this to my sister as well).

So when they talked, she asked my sis if I was moving FOR the bf. Sis replied, “Well she wanted the money, but I’m sure he was a factor in the decision.” And then Mom goes, “Well did you ASK her?” and my sister says, “Why? What’s the point? She’s happy. Let it go.” and then moved on to chat about her wedding. And then when they talked about the wedding, Sis asked Mom why she wasn’t more excited to help plan, and Mom says, “Because I’m sad!” [insert major eye roll here]. For some reason Mom just refuses to believe that my sister is happy and made the right decision for her, same with me. (Except Sis’s bf also does not have a divorce under the belt, or a kid, so Mom really should be liking him more than she does.)

Sorry Mom, I’m so over you behaving this way!

Judgey McJudgerson

A good friend of mine (last mentioned here) and I caught up the other night on the phone – we don’t live in the same area and she is in school and super busy all the time, so every once in a while we get on the phone for a catch up call. I told her about the upcoming move, the job offer, and everything, and she goes, “I didn’t want to say anything before, but this whole thing just doesn’t feel right.” I asked her for clarification, and she says, “I don’t know if it’s the relationship, or the situation, but it just doesn’t feel right to me and it hasn’t for a while.”

REALLY? Let’s recap her relationship/boyfriend:

1. Her boyfriend is a deadbeat.
2. He is needy and selfish and self-centered.
3. He’s a liar, and lies about important stuff. (For example, last time we talked she told me his ex-wife got a lawyer to both drain and freeze his accounts, so he has no money. That doesn’t even sound legal to me – you can’t just outright freeze someone’s accounts AND drain them without notice! There’s no way! And let’s not forget him lying about his and his ex-wife’s custody arrangements and him telling my friend he got tricked into signing papers, and later telling my bf that he knew exactly what he was doing and got what he wanted.)
4. She is embarrassed to introduce him to her friends.
5. She is conflicted about staying with him because he embarrasses her, doesn’t have any “social standing”, rubs people the wrong way, and has had a vasectomy (and she wants kids of her own some day).

Does this sound like someone you would listen to for relationship advice, or even vague statements about her “feelings” about your relationship? Um, no.

It was still highly irritating though – I love my bf and our relationship, and everything seems to be falling into place. I suspect she is just jealous that everything seems to be working out for me while she stays conflicted about her own life. It was also irritating because even with all the facts mentioned above, I keep my mouth shut when it comes to saying anything judgey, and yet here she is with some wishy washy statement about MY relationship not “feeling” right to HER! Ridiculous.

Just wanted to get that off my chest…

Finally – The Meeting!

Yesterday was the day – the day I finally met the ex-wife, and as an added bonus, I met their daughter!

We met at a Starbucks at noon (after she made the bf meet her first so that she could hand their daughter off to him while she came to meet me). I was so nervous prior to the meeting – the bf and I were trying to guess what she’d say or ask, neither of us really having any idea how it would go.

When she found me at my table she sat down and just said she wanted to meet me and make sure that whoever will be around her daughter will be a good influence. What struck me as rather generous was that she also said “the more people who love her, the better”, and didn’t come across territorial at all. I also just made sure to steer clear of saying anything that might make her feel jealous or threatened, and emphasized that I want everything to be as easy and comfortable for everyone involved as possible, and I think she appreciated. We also talked a little about where we grew up and other various things. 45 minutes later she looks at her watch and says, “Not sure where they went…let’s just have them meet us here.” So I pulled my phone out and texted the bf to come by.

He appears almost instantly and I see his daughter with him, and she is instantly shy. (You know how kids get when they’re shy and acting out a little bit for attention? That’s what she was doing – hitting the bf on his belly with the stuffed animal he just got her; getting her mom to take off her jacket and put it on backwards and zipping her into it, pulling the hood over her face, etc. I just smiled but didn’t want to put any pressure on her, though the ex wife and bf both kept trying to make her say hi to me. Finally she gave in with a wave, and made the briefest of eye contact with me.

Later the bf said he didn’t think I’d be allowed to meet the daughter right then and there, but the ex wife must have just decided to give me her stamp of approval to suggest that I have them meet us. Either way, I am glad to have finally taken that step!

Also, I got my official offer letter on Friday while I was out shopping with the bf, and I got both a raise AND a signing bonus, which I definitely did not expect! I also announced it to my team today and let them know we’ll be transitioning, and I also had a call with the managers to figure out when I’ll be there this month to help out, and I’ll be there the week before I move. (Moving on Saturday the 28th!) I’m also hoping I can convince work to let me stay the weekend while I’m there since that’s a dad weekend and I can spend more time with the daughter.

As always, I’ll keep you all posted. 🙂

Next step: telling my mom that I’m moving…I wonder if she’ll connect the dots with the fact that I told her months ago that the bf was trying to move there because his daughter moved. Wish me luck!