Breakthrough

This past weekend my sister was participating in a “lifestyle coaching” forum thing for work, and then yesterday she called me, and told me that she had a breakthrough. She confessed that for a long time whenever I’d bring up the bf or mention him she’d feel “ugh”, but she didn’t say anything to me. Then a few months ago something suddenly shifted for her and she realized that he is smart and patient with me and that a good match is hard to find, and personality compatibility is also really important. She also realized that he is a good guy and treats me well and makes me very happy, so she was able to let that go and is now totally open to hearing about my relationship, but she realized she never actually told me this so she wanted to tell me now.

I was tearing up as she told me this, and especially when she said, “Then I realized it must be such a burden on you, to not be able to talk to me and Mom and Dad about your relationship.” Because that is so true – it’s been really hard on me (as evidenced by signing up for therapy and venting here!), and I was crying and thanked her for telling me all this and that it means a lot to me. So it’s really nice to have her support again, especially since I’ve felt like I had to distance myself somewhat from her for a while because of my relationship. It’s such a relief to have her support and and I’m really glad about it.

It also gives me hope that my parents will come around soon as well!

Judgey McJudgerson

A good friend of mine (last mentioned here) and I caught up the other night on the phone – we don’t live in the same area and she is in school and super busy all the time, so every once in a while we get on the phone for a catch up call. I told her about the upcoming move, the job offer, and everything, and she goes, “I didn’t want to say anything before, but this whole thing just doesn’t feel right.” I asked her for clarification, and she says, “I don’t know if it’s the relationship, or the situation, but it just doesn’t feel right to me and it hasn’t for a while.”

REALLY? Let’s recap her relationship/boyfriend:

1. Her boyfriend is a deadbeat.
2. He is needy and selfish and self-centered.
3. He’s a liar, and lies about important stuff. (For example, last time we talked she told me his ex-wife got a lawyer to both drain and freeze his accounts, so he has no money. That doesn’t even sound legal to me – you can’t just outright freeze someone’s accounts AND drain them without notice! There’s no way! And let’s not forget him lying about his and his ex-wife’s custody arrangements and him telling my friend he got tricked into signing papers, and later telling my bf that he knew exactly what he was doing and got what he wanted.)
4. She is embarrassed to introduce him to her friends.
5. She is conflicted about staying with him because he embarrasses her, doesn’t have any “social standing”, rubs people the wrong way, and has had a vasectomy (and she wants kids of her own some day).

Does this sound like someone you would listen to for relationship advice, or even vague statements about her “feelings” about your relationship? Um, no.

It was still highly irritating though – I love my bf and our relationship, and everything seems to be falling into place. I suspect she is just jealous that everything seems to be working out for me while she stays conflicted about her own life. It was also irritating because even with all the facts mentioned above, I keep my mouth shut when it comes to saying anything judgey, and yet here she is with some wishy washy statement about MY relationship not “feeling” right to HER! Ridiculous.

Just wanted to get that off my chest…

SKII – Marriage Market Takeover

I just watched this video below, about women over 25 being single shamed in China, and mostly from their parents. I thought I would share it on the blog because it shows the pressure that us Asian kids can get from our parents, and it might explain it a little better than I can with my words. Even though my parents have never single-shamed me, my sister recently got engaged (to her boyfriend of 3.5 years) and STILL my mom isn’t happy. It’s pretty ridiculous, and it’s helped give me the strength to decide that the moment I meet the ex-wife/child, I will tell her. Because she will have to get over it at some point, or at least pretend to. I don’t even know if she thinks I’ve broken up with the bf or not, so I just want to start sharing that part of my life again, but I’m waiting until I’ve met at least one of them so that I actually have an update, versus a year later and not having have met either of them (which from her last email to me seems like the most important part to her, so I can say that I’ve met them and that yes he is still the man I want to be with).

I just hope there will be a better understanding between my mom and both my sister and me, like how the parents come to terms to it in the video. Watch below, and make sure to turn subtitles on if you don’t understand mandarin.

Happy New Year!

Wow I can’t believe it’s 2016…2015 was so crazy. I met (ok, discovered) the love of my life and am in the best relationship I have ever been in, despite the complications (parents, ex-wife, meeting his daughter, etc.). I am truly grateful for the bf and for our relationship!

So God threw us a bit of a curveball at the end of the year, which I haven’t mentioned yet here. The bf was fired (we are still scratching our heads as to the real reason why – seems all the reasons he was given were vague), and he didn’t get the other job he was interviewing for. Which means he has until the end of the month to figure it out. (He can’t afford both his apartment and child support on top of his other bills without a job – unemployment will only cover one or the other pretty much.)

We’ve come up with a few backup plans but nothing feels that right, and nothing that is a long term solution at all. I am hoping that one or both of us land a job within the next two months and we can just move together. In the meantime, I’m really not sure what’s going to happen and it’s left me (and him, of course) pretty stressed.

I am doing my best to be supportive in whatever way I can and just be there for him – this is such a hard situation! – but I’m pretty sure it’s taking a toll on me as well. I spent almost all of the past 3 day weekend in bed, sleeping. Literally yesterday I slept until 11:30, got up to make food, then got back into bed and stayed there until about 5pm. (Thankfully I invested good money into my mattress and sheets – I love my bed!) And I also have really tight neck and shoulder muscles right now.

Anyway, all of this is a reminder to be as frugal as possible and to really save! My financial goal for this year is to build up my emergency fund, because you really never know what’s going to happen.

Wish us the best of luck – and if anyone has any tips/advice as usual, please share!

Positive Vibes

Ok, so now I’m actually kind of excited about the whole moving thing. I finally started applying for jobs in the area he wants to move to, and there is so much more in terms of the industries I like! I applied to one job last week and four today, and already have a phone interview set up for tomorrow. (Even though I don’t think I’m super qualified for that job, but hey it’s a start, and you never know!)

I should have listened to the BF ages ago – one of the things he suggested I do in order to get excited to move is to apply for jobs. Haha.

In other news, we had a really good conversation Friday night. We were both slightly drunk at my apartment and I started tearing up – we were discussing our fight the weekend before, and he apologized for reacting the way that he did and I was trying to just get him to understand where I was coming from. With the whole feeling like an outsider thing, and how I know he’s super protective about his daughter but I just hope he’s just as protective of me, and all of that.

He also told me how much he loves me, how he knows we are going to be together the rest of our lives, how he has total faith in our relationship, how he’s never been in a relationship like ours, and how he loves how much I love the kiddos in my life and even the fact that I am so eager to meet his daughter.

All in all, I’m feeling really good about everything and I’m really excited for the next chapter in our lives!

Divination

A couple weeks ago, I hired a woman to do a divination for me. She asked what I needed guidance on, so I told her all about my situation with the bf and my parents and the potential move and all my anxiety about all of that.

Regarding the BF/our relationship:

• My ancestors (particularly my paternal grandmother, who passed away almost two years ago), are happy and supportive and excited for my relationship with the bf
• My relationship “is new, but the connection is old” – this validates the fact that I just knew he was the one from the beginning, and the way my heart just leaned to him from the very beginning
• There was a big shell representing his daughter, and a little shell right up next to it, representing our unborn child (I love this!!)
• Her advice to me was to keep spending time with him in nature, as it is the time he is “feels spirit” the most, and this is the time where our connection can deepen and our bond strengthen – “sacred time”, she called it. I love this too because we already do a lot more nature-y things than I ever have in the past, and I love that time with him.
• This relationship is very different from any he’s had in the past, something that he has told me before too
• We also need to practice listening to each other and validating each other – both of us have areas of our lives where we aren’t heard, so we need our relationship to feel heard. Speak fears, keep communication clear, don’t hold anything back. It’s healthy for both of us to do.
• It’s “very clear” that this relationship is “very healing” for the both of us

Regarding my parents:

• There is a lot of resentment built up over centuries of the women in my lineage being forced into arranged marriages.
• I will need to do a ritual to help my ancestors help my parents come to the other side of this, when the time comes to tell them about moving.
• When it’s time to talk to them about the move etc, show up with my heart. Show and have love and compassion, and speak from the heart. They are going to react how they are going to react, but I also choose how I will react.

Regarding the move:

• I don’t need to worry about jobs – apparently there will be an abundance of jobs for me, and she even told me not to just take the first job that comes my way but to wait until I find the one that feels the best.
• My network is apparently much larger than I know right now too (so yay – I’ll have friends!)
• The timeline to move is somewhere between 6-8 months – a good amount of time, I think! And she said that I may not move with him right away. (Which is kind of what I was thinking anyway, haha.)

On top of all of this, at one point she laughed and shook her head, saying “your sassy grandma!” I asked what she was up to, and she told me she was hitting her on the shoulder and saying “tell her this and tell her that” – exactly how bossy she would have been in real life! So crazy. This is the part I told my parents – I know they believe in this stuff too, and my dad the next day asked me more about what I told her about my grandma. (Not much – just that she passed away almost 2 years ago, and that although we weren’t super close, I remember her fondly and she was our crazy grandma!)

If any of you would like to know who I used, feel free to email me and I’ll forward the information!

 

Off Topic, but Important: On Abortion #askyourmother

I just read an article on Cosmopolitan.com about a mother telling her daughters about her abortion back when it was illegal. It struck a nerve with me because I’ve had one, and aside from my sister, no one in my family knows about it. (You’ve read about how my parents reacted to me dating a dad – imagine how they’d react if they found out I’ve had an abortion!) I feel like the way my communication with my parents now makes me know what kind of relationship I want with my future children, and especially so if I have daughters (or even with my bf’s daughter). I want honest, open communication that will come from a place of love and no judgement – I want that with my own mother, but since that isn’t going to happen, I will be that kind of a mother to my children and future step-child.

Anyway, here’s my abortion story – so common, yet still important as to why I’m pro-choice.

I had just turned 28 and started dating my last boyfriend, although he wasn’t yet my boyfriend. We’d slept together a couple times – drunkenly – and used protection, but there was one night where we couldn’t find the condom after. I didn’t really think anything of it, and had been waiting for my period to come back before I started the pill again. Weeks later my period still didn’t show up and I was sleeping all the time and my boobs got bigger and I realized I should probably go get a pregnancy test. I was literally on the floor of the apartment I shared with my sister and said, “I think I should get a pregnancy test. Want to come with me?” So off we went.

I remember thinking at the time that I didn’t understand why all pregnancy tests are sold in multiples – I couldn’t find just one test, I had to buy two! The moment I took the test, I realized why – you want to make sure your eyes don’t deceive you and to get the same result again, especially since the stick immediately showed that I was indeed pregnant. I freaked out – getting knocked up by accident had at the time been my worst nightmare come true – and I called the guy. He came over and took us to dessert, and made it clear he wanted me to keep it (he was 7 years older than me), but that he would support me in whatever I wanted to do. I decided not to make any decisions until I’d been to see a doctor, even though I was leaning towards abortion.

The doctor confirmed I was pregnant, and that I was 8 weeks along. She also gave me a clinic to go to, so I made the appointment. The relationship was too new – and I knew that I didn’t know if I wanted the responsibility of being parent yet, especially with a guy I had just started dating.

The procedure itself was not fun. They put me under, so thankfully I didn’t feel anything. The worst part that day was probably being in the recovery room after, with women being wheeled out crying. I went home and took it easy. Three days later, there was a lot of blood and I called the clinic. They told me to return the next day, and it turns out they – as gross and terrible as this sounds – didn’t get “all of it”. So I had to go through it again, only this time I’d had breakfast so I couldn’t go under. They numbed the area and I could hear everything that went on, and as they wheeled me out my body was just shaking and my teeth were chattering, though I wasn’t cold. It was awful. Thankfully, there were no further complications and I went on with my life.

The guy and I dated for about 6 more months until we broke up (he’s actually the asshole ex boyfriend I mentioned in the draft email to my parents), and to this day, although I would never wish an abortion on the person I hate most in the world, I am grateful to not be tied to that particular ex, and grateful I had the choice to do what was right for me.

The one thing I wish I could have done differently is if I could have talked to my mom about it, and have her support through it. There is no way I can tell her, though. It will remain a secret between us, and that is my biggest regret.

Update on Moving

After everything that was running through my head yesterday and the past few days, I brought it up with the bf last night. It seems that his number one priority is not moving to be near his daughter, but to find a new job that he likes and that pays well. If it’s near his daughter, then great. So now I’m reassured, especially when he emphasized that he is not moving anywhere in the next few months.

I also told him that I would need to have a relationship with his daughter before I am to even think about moving anywhere for him, just in case of any worst case scenarios (like the ex wife being hostile/impossible, maybe?) so I’ll at least know what I’d be up against.

All in all, it was a good talk and I’m glad that he isn’t going to do anything rash – I guess sometimes men get overcome with emotion too and don’t think all that rationally!

Thoughts on Moving

Moving in with someone in a big deal – I’ve only done it once before, and it was a huge mistake. I swore to myself I wouldn’t do it again until I at least had a ring on my finger. Moving in with someone and also moving for them is a whole other ballgame entirely.

Last night I had a slight moment of panic when the bf called me after Face Timing with his daughter and said he wanted to ask our VP if he could telecommute two days a week and just move first, and then work in our office 3 days a week and spend every other weekend with me. He said he could just stay at my place with me (if it was ok) while he was here.

1. I am not ready for a long distance relationship. I’ve had my share of those, and they are not fun.
2. My roommate gave me shit before when my sister crashed at our place, so I don’t think having the bf stay 3-5 days a week would work out with her, and I don’t want to cause tension.
3. – and this is a big one – we talked about his finances a lot yesterday and the day before, and he literally has 0 savings. The divorce wiped him out – he sold his car, his boat, cashed out the 401(k), everything. He isn’t currently saving at all – not in a 401(k), not in a savings account, nothing. This makes me really nervous, especially since I’ve taken a good long, hard look at my own finances lately and am actively saving for my emergency fund as well as paying off debts and other financial priorities. He has a few payments left on a couple things and will be done, but that money is going to go straight back into his trips to see his daughter.

He also told me that the only reason he is still here is because he’s in a relationship with me – that he would have moved already and just taken the first job that came his way even if it was a $30K pay cut, then take his time to find something that pays better down there. I don’t understand if he is barely making ends meet right now how he would have afforded to do that? Also, it makes me feel guilty for being the one keeping him away from his daughter! I’m sure that’s now how he meant it to come across, but that’s how it felt.

And these are my requirements for moving:

1. I need to have a relationship with his daughter. It’s not fair to me to uproot my entire life where I have a job I love, lots of family I love, great work life balance and a great apartment to move for him and his daughter only to discover that maybe she hates me. Maybe I decide I can’t be a stepmom. There are so many unknowns there that I need to have developed a good relationship with his daughter before I can even think about moving.
2. If I move without a job, he needs to make more money than he does now. Not even the same amount, but a good sized raise. This way he can afford to support me for a while as I job hunt. I spent 2013 job hunting for 10 monts and it was awful – too much pressure, too much stress. I can’t do that again.
3. We need to go visit together and scout out the areas he’d like to live. I’d want to see how walkable it is (I hate driving and would like to minimize the driving as much as possible), what there is to do, what the general vibe is.
4. I need for him to know that this moving, or moving in together, is not a “test run”. I need to know for sure there is commitment and he is not going to break up with me for something like us needing to compromise more than we thought when we live together. I’ve read those studies about how one of the biggest common factors in couples who end up divorced is that they lived together before marriage (because of the feeling that they can always break up if it doesn’t work out), and I don’t want that to be an issue. (Although when I think about it, he has only been in really long relationships – an 8 year relationship that ended after an engagement; the ex wife who he was with for about 4 years – so this probably isn’t a huge factor, but still something I worry about.)

Is that unreasonable? I started bringing up some of these things and he was like “Whoa whoa slow down” – but these are all practical logistics that I don’t think he’s even thought about. I need to have a more in-depth discussion with him about it – and not over the phone or text.

He is the love of my life and I do want to work it all out with him and I am willing to move with him, but I need these other things to happen first. It’s a big sacrifice on my part – when I moved to our city now, I thought I was done moving (except within the area) and was more than happy about it. I just don’t want to uproot my entire life for him and it not work out – we need the foundation and as many logistics as possible planned out. I’ve never moved for a guy before – in fact, I once used moving to another country as the excuse to break up with my then-boyfriend. Men were never my reason to do anything (maybe that’s partly why I’m still 30 and unmarried), and doing this for him is a huge step for me.

Introduction to Dating a Dad

I made 2015 the year I was going to focus on finding the love of my life. After spending last year settling in my new city, settling into my new job (and getting promoted at the beginning of this year), and dealing with turning the big 3-0, I felt it was the perfect time to focus on finding the love of my life, after neglecting my love life for a couple years.

Long story short, after dating several guys at the beginning of this year, I fell in love with a coworker. Thankfully, he is also a manager and of a completely different department, but needless to say it was completely unexpected. I say “unexpected” because I never saw him that way, I never knew he was interested in me, and because he is a divorced dad. Not that I was discriminating or anything, but I just never pictured dating a father.

As I write this post it’s been almost 5 months since we first started dating, and there have definitely been some struggles. I was trying to do some research on advice for dating a divorced dad, but couldn’t really find anything helpful. All the books were advice on being a stepmom, and I haven’t even met his daughter yet.

So I’m starting this blog to document my journey in the hopes that it may help someone else later on.

There is so much more to come – I hope you’ll follow along!