Frustrated

The ex wife texted the bf yesterday, after he asked her for details of their daughter’s dance competition. Ex wife asked why and said that she wants the time with their daughter since last weekend was his weekend (never mind that she get her for the next 3 weekends due to travel!) and basically told him not to come. He was like “I don’t want to encroach on your time I just want to show up at the end and give her flowers and make her feel supported for all her hard work” and the ex wife told him that she doesn’t want to have to hang around him and me together because it’s uncomfortable (and yet she is the one who when we met and chatted one on one, told me she doesn’t want things to be uncomfortable if we were ever to show up in support of their daughter in performances or whatever!! She literally said that to me!), then she went on to say that it was also inappropriate for him to bring me to her parents’ house and to go around to their backyard.

First of all, on Saturday when we dropped their daughter off I just followed them out of the car and the bf could hear that everyone was in the backyard next door (the adjoining house is owned by their family as well) so he took her over to literally pick up his daughter and put her down on the other side of the locked gate (the grandma was there along with her sister) and the sister saw me I guess so was like “Hi!” and introduced herself, and then the grandma came over and shook my hand as well. Then we all said bye and that was it. I didn’t enter anything.

Secondly, on Sunday when we dropped her off I again followed them out of the car and just stood in the doorway to say bye to their daughter, and I waved at the ex wife. I was in the entryway for maybe 2 minutes – it’s not like I entered and then made myself at home!

So when I found out about all this I was suddenly really emotional – I really didn’t want anyone to be uncomfortable, and I felt terrible that I unintentionally made her feel that way. I called the bf and was crying, just saying that I felt so bad about it all. I’m sure their daughter told her mom all about her day and I’m also sure she told her a lot about how much fun we had together, so I know it’s somewhat stemmed from the jealousy, but still!

An hour later and now I’m just feeling annoyed and angry. The bf and I try to do everything by her rules and she gets mad at him for having me show up at their house? Like fine, next time I will stay in the damn car. I’ve decided I’m boycotting her and will even sit in the backseat so I don’t even have to make eye contact with her when we go to pick up their daughter. She’s the one who originally said she didn’t want things to be uncomfortable, and I really tried to reassure her that I didn’t want that either. I don’t want to be their daughter’s mom, she already has one! I just wanted us all to at least be able to be civil with each other and get along.

The good news is that all of this has made the bf even more adamant about taking the ex wife back to court to get at least 50% of time with their daughter, add a couple things to their agreement (which is implied even though the ex wife insists it isn’t), AND reduce child support. I’m all for it.

I’m so over her. She is being ridiculous. I don’t even want to see her anymore, or ever.

Finally – The Meeting!

Yesterday was the day – the day I finally met the ex-wife, and as an added bonus, I met their daughter!

We met at a Starbucks at noon (after she made the bf meet her first so that she could hand their daughter off to him while she came to meet me). I was so nervous prior to the meeting – the bf and I were trying to guess what she’d say or ask, neither of us really having any idea how it would go.

When she found me at my table she sat down and just said she wanted to meet me and make sure that whoever will be around her daughter will be a good influence. What struck me as rather generous was that she also said “the more people who love her, the better”, and didn’t come across territorial at all. I also just made sure to steer clear of saying anything that might make her feel jealous or threatened, and emphasized that I want everything to be as easy and comfortable for everyone involved as possible, and I think she appreciated. We also talked a little about where we grew up and other various things. 45 minutes later she looks at her watch and says, “Not sure where they went…let’s just have them meet us here.” So I pulled my phone out and texted the bf to come by.

He appears almost instantly and I see his daughter with him, and she is instantly shy. (You know how kids get when they’re shy and acting out a little bit for attention? That’s what she was doing – hitting the bf on his belly with the stuffed animal he just got her; getting her mom to take off her jacket and put it on backwards and zipping her into it, pulling the hood over her face, etc. I just smiled but didn’t want to put any pressure on her, though the ex wife and bf both kept trying to make her say hi to me. Finally she gave in with a wave, and made the briefest of eye contact with me.

Later the bf said he didn’t think I’d be allowed to meet the daughter right then and there, but the ex wife must have just decided to give me her stamp of approval to suggest that I have them meet us. Either way, I am glad to have finally taken that step!

Also, I got my official offer letter on Friday while I was out shopping with the bf, and I got both a raise AND a signing bonus, which I definitely did not expect! I also announced it to my team today and let them know we’ll be transitioning, and I also had a call with the managers to figure out when I’ll be there this month to help out, and I’ll be there the week before I move. (Moving on Saturday the 28th!) I’m also hoping I can convince work to let me stay the weekend while I’m there since that’s a dad weekend and I can spend more time with the daughter.

As always, I’ll keep you all posted. 🙂

Next step: telling my mom that I’m moving…I wonder if she’ll connect the dots with the fact that I told her months ago that the bf was trying to move there because his daughter moved. Wish me luck!

Sunday

So it’s finally happening – I’m meeting the ex-wife this Sunday. She finally replied to him and was like “Oh sorry thought I responded”…right. She also requested that I meet her without him by my side as it’d be uncomfortable for her. Maybe it’ll be better that he won’t be around though? I really don’t know what to expect after all the different things I’ve heard about her from him. I hope it goes well! All I know is I’m just going to let her ask what she wants to and I’ll answer as honestly as possible while also emphasizing that I’m not here to be a mother to their daughter, but more as a friend/aunt kind of role. At least, that’s how I envision it. I don’t plan on mothering their daughter at all, but just be there for extra support if she wants/needs it.

Also, I’ll definitely be meeting their daughter Memorial Day weekend as she has a dance competition (and the bf always goes to her recitals etc) so we’ll be there.

On the job front, I had a final call this morning with the director of my department about moving to the other market where the bf is now – I should hopefully get an answer about that shortly. If I don’t then I won’t be able to move until the end of June due to having to find a roommate to replace me (and my roommate is gone for a week in May as well). I better hear by Monday at the latest!

Keep your fingers crossed for me – I’ll update next week!

Another NYT Post, On the Other Woman

Wow these just keep popping up in my Facebook newsfeed! But I read this post last night: The Other Woman Who Snuggles My Daughter. As much fear as this strikes in me, I appreciate the author’s honesty with how it makes her feel to think of another woman “replacing” her.

I definitely fear that the ex-wife will feel this way about me and NOT be the bigger person in the end. That she will say hateful things about me or about the bf to her daughter – she is, after all, her mom, and young daughters are especially impressionable. It scares me!

I’ve asked the bf before if he thinks that me being in his and his daughter’s life would cause trouble with the ex wife, but he said no. (Then again, he also said she would be supportive if he ever lost his job, and was wrong about that – and unfortunately I was right with my hunches on that!)

I kind of wish the ex-wife didn’t want/need to meet me – selfishly, that would make it easier for me, but at the same time if things go well or even moderately well, maybe it will make things easier in the long run, especially if she ends up not seeing me as a threat by any means.

Ah. In the end, this is all speculation. I wonder how things will actually go down, whenever that happens…

Also, I love reading people’s comments on the post – so many stories with all different outcomes, which again goes to my point that every situation is so different. Like my godmother’s vs my former coworker’s situations – both so different, who’s to say how my situation will turn out?

Ex-Wife

This past weekend was the bf’s birthday, so I took him on a little getaway for two nights. It was so fun – probably also because we had zero cell reception and so we talked a lot, and had great conversations, and I just love him so much – all this drama with my parents about him being dad is worth it for me.

On the way back in the car, he face timed his daughter, telling her he had an interview there coming up and if he gets the job he’ll move to be near her. She said, “Yay!” and then later said, “Are you picking me up tomorrow?” For some reason, that line really touched me. I felt like for the first time their relationship is really real, even though obviously it’s real but I just didn’t feel it. It’s most likely because I’ve never been around the two of them together, so I’ve never seen their relationship in person.

Anyway, he sent me a few screenshots last night of his text conversation with the ex-wife, basically because she does not want him to move there and “disrupt” their daughter’s “routine”, saying that she now has a home and she is “better” now that she isn’t going back and forth between them. Isn’t having her dad around better than a “routine”, though? Ugh, I’m just sad for him that he has to go through all this when he’s been trying so hard to move closer to her, and ex-wife has to say all this stuff. It just sounds selfish to me – she just doesn’t want him around and is happier with their daughter with her and her parents and that’s it.

Unfortunately for her, everything is already in their parenting plan and if she wants to change it she’ll have to take it to court, and there is no way the court will grant her more time and him less – he doesn’t even have 50% of her time right now and says if she takes it to court he’ll ask for 50% and will likely be granted it.

Anyway, if he gets this job (fingers crossed!) we will be heading out there and he’s going to set up me meeting the ex-wife (oh joy!) and get the ball rolling with all of that. Ack. That’s a whole other topic…!